Positive Energy Guide

“To offend a low person is like throwing a stone in the mud and getting splashed.” ~ Inayat Khan

We have all been exposed to the models in which those who are healthier or more developed take responsibility for those who are less healthy or developed. It is natural for parents to take responsibility for their children. Whether or not the same should apply with adults who act like children, the onus of responsibility in many situations tends to fall on the person with the most capacity and perspective.

Do we step forward, or step back?

Becoming a bodhisattva is the goal of Mahayana Buddhism. The bodhisattva refers to a human being committed to the attainment of Enlightenment for the sake of others, who postpones Enlightenment in order to help all others to attain it.

Feel free to correct me or to extrapolate: The I-Ching and “The Tao of Leadership” encourage those who are highly capable to learn to carry on as if we had no skills, and to function invisibly, so we are not used up by those who carry on foolishly or still need to learn basics.

Both approaches offer wisdom.

Different teachings support different natures. Spiritual advice designed for self absorbed people becomes toxic when taken to heart by over-givers.

Empaths already tend feel we are not being compassionate if we see someone in distress that we can address but step back instead of stepping forward. Spiritual or religious rhetoric about taking care of others can aggravate these issues.

It is healthy for those who put other’s needs first to talk about and work through this type of distress.

As a person with a great array of competencies, I find myself unsupported by Western cultural assumptions. People with talent are pressured to advertise, extend, seek notoriety, and to ‘make something of’ ourselves until our lives become burdened with a numbing plethora of superficial contacts.

Being around people who do not or will not take responsibility for themselves or aspects of their behavior is its own kind of painful. A classic example of this is watching someone you love drink themselves to death. Watching people eating allergens, making bad decisions, refusing to exercise, and acting in ways that block intimacy can evoke pain too—especially if we are confused about whether or not to help.

Whether it’s a parent with Alzheimers or ‘child’ living at home long well into adulthood, most of us face these issues at some point. Our responses vary as do our natures. There is also a karmic thread. Situations that look similar may have totally different exigencies.

It is a cultural necessity to carry those who are truly incapable. But what about the negligent, and the entitled—those who are capable yet choose to demand from others instead of doing what they can? Supporting them is not a service—yet they fight if we refuse.

Do we endure those who act like children, demanding of ourselves that we remain loving and compassionate when someone causes unnecessary suffering? If we do NOT step away, certainly we must find an accommodation by which we can be loving without being drained.

Unless the Love we engage is Universal–and therefore includes care for self–we are apt to consume healthy lives in care for the damaged or unwilling.

Questions for your consideration:

When is stepping away from responsibility to others a way of being responsible to one’s self?

If we take service to those who are less developed as a spiritual value, how do we remain balanced?

How far is it healthy to go to be of assistance to others?

What do you need to do to balance between your own needs and those of the people you love?

What if these people are unable to recognize or address YOUR needs?

What signs let you know when you are sacrificing too much?

“Truth alone is success, and real success is truth.” ~Inayat Khan

“Reality itself is its own evidence.” ~Inayat Khan

Last night I had a delightful discussion walking with a dear friend. He’s a psychotherapist, highly involved in spiritual and self development groups. I suggested that we discuss “the specifics of the personality’s defense structure in relation to an individual’s capacity to self observe.” We had fun with that one.

I can’t say how relieved I was when he synchronistically brought up the exact conundrums I’ve been chewing on in this post series. He spoke about several spiritual traditions, and their descriptions of the perception and behavior that accompany different levels of initiation.

Models are not necessarily important to me. What is important to me is experience and resolution of distress.

I know, accept, and agree that in ultimate consciousness we are all, already, God. That is a cosmic truth. Simultaneously, on human planes of experience, we DO have different capacities to perceive, to self observe, and to express mastery within our lives.

Over the last few posts I’ve been building a context for several key points. I am seeking to communicate how difficult it can be and what it feels like to be fairly developed and to interface intimately with people who are not as self aware as they THINK they are. This is not about ego. It is not about being better than someone. It’s about trying to sort myself out and get clear about who I am, rectifying self observation with actualities.

I must assume that some of you are in your own processes about this.

If I were to lay out the body of knowledge—which I do not know—about levels of initiation and their related criteria, this would objectify the context. I might also lose most of you. I still begin to glaze over when my walking friend goes into the details.

It was frustrating and made me sad when I could not get through the leader’s defenses at the recent retreat. My walking friend described exactly how the defenses work in those who teach spiritually but have not resolved them, and which layers of defense persist the longest as one develops. I felt relieved and understood.

I am still chewing on Therese’s comment about 5 blogs back: I totally agree that we must accept where people are at, and be able to step away. I also perceive value in the ideals and processes that make me choose engagement over disengagement more often than it serves me.

I need to balance my passionate values and willingness, with applying my good discernment to CHOOSE whether to engage or step away from moment to moment.

Working with what Life gives us to manage is another value that yields important rewards in facing parts of ourselves we would not otherwise encounter. Balancing this value with a genuine need to step away is a delicate art. Such a choice is best made from our highest motivations, from not habit, policy or merely to avoid discomfort.

A friend just called me. Her partner (also a friend) said something that hit a sort point. It was readily evident to me that his comment was shaped by his defense structure. It had nothing to do with her. She was confused because he tends to be highly aware and emotionally appropriate.

In a conversation about the topics over the last few blogs, he pointed out: “We can be highly developed in many areas while other parts of ourselves lag behind.”

It can be confusing when someone who is usually self aware makes a comment from of a part of themselves that is less developed.

Self awareness is both subjective and objective. Self observation provides a degree of objectivity toward our subjectivity. In result, we do not become consumed by or fully identify with our emotions or states. This confers perspective and supports growth.

Advanced self awareness is not about what we THINK we are, it rectifies experience with actualities. We need reflection and interaction with actual peers or those who are more developed than we are to achieve this. As we develop, there are fewer people who can reflect us accurately.

Relating gets complicated when people we interact with project onto us what THEY are or think—especially if they do it with a lot of misguided conviction. Sometimes I still get confused when I receive ‘reflections’ that are not aligned with who I know myself to be—or perhaps even who they are themselves! When one is sensitive to energy, the person’s conviction and sincerity can create confusion about who we are as we take that in. This compounded when the person does not know who THEY are and lacks continuity from moment to moment.

I described to my healer an interaction during which someone was making demands of me that had no basis in the reality of who I am. His concepts of where I was coming from, what I was doing, and how meeting his demands could play out in actuality were skewed. My healer smiled gently and said with compassion, “It’s like he’s asking you for a square football.”

What is the difference between THINKING you are developed in some way and actually BEING developed in that way?

What causes a gap between the two?

How it is possible to address this gap?

“Raise us above the distinctions and differences that divide.” ~Inayat Khan

“He who is a riddle to another is a puzzle to himself.” ~Inayat Khan

It is ‘politically and spiritually correct’ to carry on as if we are all at the same level of development. We are not.

Social and spiritual pressure to pretend to feel ways that we do not feel is counterproductive. PC rhetoric confuses people. Pressure to conform to an external code encourages inauthentic action. Real change is supported by making errors and receiving instructive social feedback from intelligent people who care. Codification is no substitute.

From an advanced spiritual perspective—when we view others through the heart—our differences do not interfere with our experience of Unity. Those who are quite advanced in personal and spiritual development may have moved past the developmental stages I discuss below. Meanwhile, most of us are still slugging it out in the sandbox.

Let’s take a basic and innocent example of lack of integration:

As the ever sweet, lovely, Therese described in response to Post #53: “I recently discovered a person can be honest and contradict themselves in the span of two sentences. They truly don’t remember what they just said in the previous sentence.”

Seeking to resolve a complex issue with someone who lacks sufficient continuity becomes circular, meandering, and perhaps pointless unless one directs the conversation as a therapist might. This makes the effort draining or even useless in personal relations, and spawns nonproductive conflict. The same issues recur and recur without resolution. One must assume that the same thing occurs within the individual, which is why they so often remain stuck.

Intimate relations tend to be a rallying ground where our less developed aspects show up.

Therese’s is a clear and simple example of the type of realization someone who experiences a greater degree of personal continuity might wake up to.

Most of us long to fit in. We tend to view others through the lens through which we view ourselves. It can take years of work to sufficiently sort one’s self out from others to notice our assets instead of connecting the dots and getting a false picture of others.

Such realizations, while freeing, can be lonely and bittersweet. On the up side, seeing ourselves distinct from others and being clearly aware of actualities aids in forming authentic connections, releasing unrealistic expectations, and increasing self reliance.

I want to emphasize that compassionate, intuitive people often start out thinking we are just like everyone else, especially if we pick up their energy.

Before we can recognize and respect ourselves, others are unlikely to do so. Naturally, they will also take us to be like them. We may become confused by that psychic input and take ourselves to be like them in ways that we are not. Social pressure to see everyone as being the same exacerbates this confusion.

Note:
*Those who are more developed are not BETTER, but do have different challenges.

**It is not unusual to be advanced in some types of development while simultaneously behind the learning curve in others. I am talking about certain kinds of experience, not attempting classification.

Whether or not one identifies their stage of development as part of the puzzle, those who are fairly spiritually developed may have trouble fitting in, or finding classes that truly stimulate and support. Most classes and groups cater to the first few levels, which involve a larger number of people. When advanced intermediate training is not available, people jump into leadership without it, producing leaders without sufficient self reflection to recognize and guide precocious students.

In some ways the challenges of those who are more developed are more difficult. In other ways they are not. Struggling with, for example, survival or addiction is not any easier than struggling with being highly sensitive to energy and lack of cogent feedback. Whatever our station in life, distress calls for compassion.

In my twenties I told my first spiritual teacher, “The broader my back gets the more they heap upon it!” I was talking about unseen guides and the Universe.

As usual, he knew exactly what I was talking about, and said, “Well then the load is just about the same!”

The challenging learning curve has an evolutionary function. Distress forces self reflection in those who seek insight, hence it promotes spiritual development. Seeking to make our difficulties spiritually useful helps.

Let me be sure to say: I do daily practices to develop love for persons at all levels of development. That includes the parts of ME that are not developed!

I will describe later what I mean by development.

Do you ever feel distress and frustration realizing that someone close to you views you through a lens that cannot embrace your insight, values, capabilities, and needs?

Can you accept and address this distress, or do you tell yourself you “should be” nicer, more loving, a better person, even more understanding, etc. when you feel it?

“Right and wrong depend upon attitude and situation, not upon the action.” ~ Inayat Khan

Some spiritual schools encourage students to remain together in situations that spawn conflict. Aspirants develop by finding some way to come to real peace while remaining in relationship with the people around them.

As a powerful person who tends to speak out, I still suffer when I step on someone’s toes. Some years back I went so far as to bring this up with one of the world’s top humanistic astrologers. I wanted to start this blog, and was worried that I might offend people. I asked him to look at my chart and tell me how I could step into a more public view without evoking irritation or causing distress.

His response shocked me. He said that waking people up–even to the extent of being somewhat abrasive–is part of my purpose on the planet. He went on to say that the problem was not that I stir things up, but that I feel bad about it afterward. He cited this backlash of oversensitivity as the problem, not boldly expressing my views. He went on to mention people who enjoy celebrity status precisely FOR the kind of behaviors I was hoping to eradicate.

The more powerful we become and the more developed we are, the more our actions require balance, compassion, and discernment. Since I believe that it is important to speak out and do not have a thick skin, I must develop mastery.

I believe in feedback. I believe that if we all speak our objections, respectfully, when companies act in ways that cause large numbers of people unnecessary stress, that this will eventually a difference. I believe that when a company or an individual acts in ways that are offensive, we serve others by speaking up. Participation and involvement are important, and can be civic-minded.

We have different natures. We are not called upon to act identically. The saint accepts everything without complaint. In contrast, those on a path of mastery seek to adapt the world to the highest common denominator. Both paths are valid.

I do not believe in moving to the lowest common denominator to keep an awkward semblance of harmony when I might be able to inspire or create something greater.

Some may say it is arrogance to think we can know what this may be, but I will say this is the way the world goes round and how we learn. I seek to move from my heart instead of imposing some idea out of a mental judgement or a false sense of superiority; to remain in a spirit of unity and service. I would rather make mistakes than to fail to act when I am moved to do so.

I don’t want to burn myself out with the ‘unreachable dream’ racket. I aim to move from inspiration, not compulsion. I want to be lucid about what is mine to do and what is not.

I do not believe in cookie-cutter solutions that rely on rules instead. In addition to the particulars of the moment, whether or not our actions are of benefit depends on:

—our motivations
—whether we are acting from strength or from perceived weakness
—our willingness to self observe
—how successfully we can stay in our hearts
—the physiology, tensions, and conditions that influence our body language
—how skillfully we have apprehended the actual situation
—the exact timing of our actions
—the capacity of others to respond within this timing

I believe that the world is a better place when we bring forth our authentic voice and contribute our views–with the caveat that we do so as kindly as we are able.

What do YOU believe?

What is our civic responsibility?

What is our spiritual responsibility?

When and how is helping wake one another up part of our karmic purpose?

“Those who try to make virtues out of their faults grope further and further into darkness.” ~ Inayat Khan

I recently overdosed on platitudes about respecting people. I would like to explore a counterbalancing perspective—stating the things we just don’t say.

What does it really MEAN to “respect” someone?

In my last post I described one of the things that respect means to me, among friends. It has to do with honoring one another’s ability to hear and receive insight, through open interaction.

The rest of the world isn’t necessarily thinking the same thing when they talk about respecting people. Respect is one of those words, like love or god, that carry a lot of freight and mean different things to different people.

I have a sneaking suspicion that often enough, that when someone talks about treating someone with respect, underneath this honorable and sincere intention there is often a shadow. This shadow will be reflect an internal struggle, or in the ambivalence that made them think that more respect might be required. If respect was already present, what called forth a need for respect? Can we own what is going on inside?

In support of wholeness and integrated growth, let’s get past being too politically correct or spiritually correct to look at how we really operate and feel inside. Coming to grips with that makes our values authentic.

Most of us are fairly versed already in all the nice parts of what we mean by respect. Let’s explore more of the shadow side:

What if treating someone as they want to be treated amounts to being asking to respect something for which we do not have inherent respect?

Abusers, for example, often demand “respect.” What they often mean is to allow them to control you, or to overlook their behavior. They also mean not to hold up any mirrors. It may also be necessary to pretend one is not in distress.

This reminds me of a brief passage I read decades ago in an Ursula LeGuin book: “The giant Groff was hit in one eye with a stone. That eye turned within. He died from what he saw.”

I love that quote! It speaks eloquently to the Achilles heel of the part of us—which is so often HUGE—that can be aggressive and problematic. The only thing that can bring it down is self-awareness. And how mightily one may resist.

Lots of people take respect to mean, “Don’t disturb me with a view that would expand my understanding.” They will not, of course, TELL you, or even tell themselves that this is what they mean—not in so many words—but it bears out in conversation.

Obviously, there is a difference between respecting someone as a person, and respecting their behavior. We generally do not respect all of our OWN behavior. When we respect someone but do not find their behavior respectable, they may take objection to feedback to this effect. This opens a can of worms. I’m not planning to dive into that can wholesale, but I have a few further comments, which I will make in subsequent posts.

For someone in the business of furthering Awakening, it can be a dance to respect (to have sensitivity to) the defense structures of an individual, while intentionally expanding his or her perspective. Professional boundaries simplify interaction. Day-to-day interactions with persons who are not actively pursuing spiritual growth are more complicated. More complicated still are interactions with persons who believe they are pursuing growth while simultaneously resisting it.

What makes YOU feel respected?

What do YOU do when you respect someone but cannot respect some of their behavior?

“There is no action in this world that can be stamped as sin or virtue; it is its relation to the particular soul that makes it so.” ~ Inayat Khan

Let’s talk about respecting other people. We can get caught up in assumptions about what it means to respect someone. At the risk of being a bit controversial, I want to broaden the context of respect. We can get too ‘spiritually correct’ and become rigid and rule bound instead of using our personalities as vehicles for development of the soul.

Respecting others does not necessarily require silence, feigned agreement, or withdrawal. Personally, I do not feel respected by these behaviors. I feel respected when someone cares enough to engage with me, and even to challenge my views, especially when they do so to discover me, to explore

together, to advance mutual understanding, to bring forth more comprehensive values, or to resolve discomfort. Such engagement, whether or not we agree, is often an expression of love.

I am thinking of my best friends. We respect and trust one another enough to engage in healthy dialectic. This means that if we do not agree on something, we each hold and expose our views, exploring back and forth, influencing one another’s views in the process. I have gained depth and perspective by engaging like this with people I respect.

Someone who does not have the strength and confidence to hold a differing point of view, or who uses apparent (not genuine) agreement in an attempt to be liked, or who retreats from those with whom they disagree misses out on this richness and development.

Disagreeing with people can be an expression of real respect. In respectful disagreement we let another person know that we consider them strong and flexible enough to take in a different point of view. We are actively or tacitly inviting their views. We are opening ourselves to dialectic.

Americans tend to be conflict avoidant. This is not true of most native New Yorkers–many of whom enjoy playfully criticizing people who are indirect. When I have visited, I have taken comfort in knowing just where people stand, and received active appreciation for the same.

In rural India, I have witnessed people standing a spread-hand-width apart, engaging in loud, animated voices. They’d exchange a few sentences, reach a conclusion, waggle their heads and say the equivalent of ‘okay’ in a quieter tone, then turn and be on their way. I witnessed trust, respect, and a lack of self consciousness that gave them the freedom to quickly resolve their concerns.

In my late twenties I spent a few weeks in Europe at a large camp with people from several countries. They actually criticized me–and Americans in general–for not bringing forth clearly defined views and opinions in conversation. They found conversing with Americans boring. They were accustomed to EXPLORING their points of disagreement. Whether or not they appreciated and enjoyed their differences, honest expression contributed to understanding, being on solid ground, and to enjoying a more distinct sense of identity.

Even controversy, when handled with respect, allows us to explore the edges, peaks and valleys of a topic, clarify who we are, and to learn to exercise our values and ethics.

Conflict is necessary to develop a sense of self. Conflict need not spring from anger. It can spring from passion about important values.

If anger arises, and we are open to learning, we discover what is important to us and what we need. The key is to keep the heart open, especially when angry.

Anger is a powerful force, which can be used destructively, or to create boundaries, clarity, decisive action, and even to inspire greater values. Conflict can be used in the same ways.

Those of us who become overly passionate in behalf of other people do need to learn to refine our expressions and allow people to make their own choices. Feedback helps us learn this. Meanwhile, those whose toes we may step on have a chance to learn to put forth their boundaries and to speak up.

I suspect that some conflicts are part of what could be called the Divine Plan. We can use them to stimulate insight and to master our rough edges. We may be challenged to accept ourselves if we overstep, but accepting some conflict is healthier than hiding in the corner for fear of causing offense.

What do YOU mean by respect?

When is engaging in conflict more loving then stepping away?

When is remaining silent a missed opportunity for love?

“The word that is not heard is lost. ” ~Inayat Khan

Following from Post #53: At the retreat I sought to resolve my concerns with one of the two group leaders. In the capacity of our friendship, I sought to contribute to his self awareness. Like a reflex, he reflected everything I said back onto me—without exploring my concerns or looking within. This exemplified my main point. Our encounter was loving, yet I stepped away frustrated and sad.

I contemplated how much importance to give to feeling heard, being understood, or having my contributions received. Wisdom tells me that the more we develop the more we must release attachment to such luxuries.

A quote from the spiritual leader Meher Baba springs to mind: “Understanding has no meaning. Love has meaning. Obedience has more meaning.”

Meaning comes from feeling and from the heart, while understanding involves the mind. “Obedience,” in my current interpretation, has to do with being true to our inner guidance.

When we act with intention and discernment, and surrender to the highest option, meaning takes shape through action. 

It’s not black & white.

Toward the end of the spiritual retreat I attempted to contribute to someone else who was not open to it. My very brief comment yielded an unpleasant intensity of reaction. In remorse, I questioned my tendency to contribute.

I did begin to bring in self love—and continue to consider my views and values regarding contribution to others.

Yes, it is important to learn to allow others to be wherever they are in their journey. We are best off when we accept life the way it is. I do not, however, believe that noticing that someone has something to learn or contributing to their process of learning must involve judging them.

Contribution, should we chose–or feel compelled–to involve ourselves, works better when we are not judging. We are responsible for our motivations, and the energies they bring forth.

Our paths interweave with those of others. The world goes round owing to involvement. When we try to change others from misguided motivation or with excessive investment, we suffer for it–and we learn through our entanglement. So do others.

I believe there is more to learn here than to mind our own business–although for those of us who respond without feeling things out first, that might be a good start. 🙂

If we withdraw and do not involve ourselves, we lose the opportunity for certain types of personal growth. Those of us who over-involve need to pull back. Those of us who pull back may need to learn to bring our voices forward. What is called for differs with each situation.

Learning usually requires making mistakes. We definitely need to bring through love for ourselves throughout our learning experiences as we gradually develop the discernment to engage gracefully in a wide variety of situations.

Self mastery requires learning HOW and WHEN and to WHOM we contribute. This task is a lot more challenging than throwing ourselves into contribution by reflex, whether or not it is welcome or not it drains us, or maintaining a policy of allowing others to carry on without engaging them.

From one perspective we cannot say which path is best for another—yet our insight or feedback may well assist others in making viable choices.

Offering insight need not be arrogant. Doing it by reflex, however, is unconscious behavior, which often comes across as arrogant.

Consciously or unconsciously, we are each and all agents of one another’s awakening. We cannot avoid that. We CAN seek to be discerning, loving, and intentional.

What is the difference between passive acceptance and active acceptance?

When is passive acceptance weak?

When is the appearance of acceptance actually an expression of passive aggression?

Wow! There is a lot in here. First, I want to say, while I’ve developed some thoughts around this subject, I still find it difficult to forgive some people’s actions towards me. I’m working on it! This post did make me think about what it is that I find difficult to forgive. I will address that first.

I find it difficult to forgive people who treat me badly if I don’t think and act the way they deem appropriate. I find it difficult to forgive people who act as if I have no rights. It doesn’t matter to me that I understand where their actions may originate. I find it difficult to forgive people who take no responsibility for their lives and blame others for everything that happens to them. Okay, that’s what I’m battling right now.

The explanation I use to help myself accept others where they are without judging has lots of avenues built in. I think people are mostly afraid. Everyone wants to feel loved and most of us are taught love comes from outside ourselves. Feeling lonely is the result of looking outside ourselves for love and attention. Because many look outside themselves, doing anything that is not the status quo is scary. If a person wants something different than the people from whom they get their love, they risk losing the love of those people. No one understands conditional love is not love. We often only know what we have experienced. Most of us have only experienced conditional love.

For those who are willing to search for more, they must be willing to lose everything they know to seek something they’ve never experienced. Usually, that willingness to seek and lose everything comes from a pain so intense that to stay in the pain will cause a death of our soul. We are unwilling to die so we seek. For those willing to give up everything, it can be difficult to understand why others are willing to die to stay in their comfort zone. For me, accepting and being understanding of those who stay in their comfort zone is my goal. I still believe everyone has the ability to change. I haven’t found the magic words to get people to implement the change which is why I’ve decided I must shine so brightly people want to change to have what I have.

As I’ve begun to shine more, I’ve noticed people are polarized by me. Some want the change for themselves so they sit in their discomfort to spend time around me. Some people run away from me and pretend I no longer exist. Some avoid me because they don’t know what to do with me. Some observe me and incorporate changes they see into themselves. So many ways to react to me. The one overriding thing I’ve noticed is, even people who treat me as if they hate me, are still drawn to me. They hate themselves for that and will scream at me but they will still make a point of coming around me. I’ve decided the hate is a test to see if I really can love them enough to accept them even though they hate. The fact is, I believe they hate because they hurt and I know love is the only solution. So I do my best to love.

This is a topic I hope leads to a lot of discussion. I’m always interested in other ways to view how people behave. I need the input of others views to help me get out of my habitual thought patterns. Thank you for writing about this topic, Teresa!

With Love,
Therese

This comment, along with my responses and several terrific responses from Kelly, are in “Comments” under the last post. If you appreciate emotionally honest communication, please check out that discussion. It’s a deep and lively ride! 

“Shatter your ideals on the rock of Truth.”  ~Inayat Khan

The urge toward self realization, actualization, self awareness, and awakening is a major driver in the Universe. It supports so much of what I hold dear because it gives meaning to human endeavor.

While not the most evolved stance, when someone who is important to me eschews what I most value and hold as right and good, it rankles me. I’m sure I’m not alone in that.

I’ve been thinking about just what it is that I find disturbing about unconsciousness. When someone SEES and ADMITS their foibles, this often makes them acceptable to me. This intrigues me. Is it because I can accept it when they do?

When we do not accept ourselves, it is harder for others to do so.

One of the key drivers of the Universe is the urge to become Self aware. It strikes me that when we RESIST awareness, we are moving away from this primary spiritual impetus. It just seems ‘off’ to me. It heckles my truth-sensors and aggravates my values and sense of honor.

So does standing in judgment of those who are less evolved. I am seeking to come to peace with the fact that much of humanity lives in the darkness of our own ignorance and denial. This peace is not coming easily.

I’m finding it useful to explore what it is about unconsciousness of self that I find offensive. Let me avoid listing attitudes that support atrocities, and stick to the mundane expressions of ignorance—although they are cut from the same cloth. Denial and overlooking one’s abuse of power may play our trivially in daily life. This ignorance is still of the same nature as that which some act out in damaging ways on the slate of an entire country.

We separate ourselves from others when we wall ourselves off to defend ourselves from insight. Then we can act in ways that cause harm without realizing our essential unity with others. The unity exists, yet we ignore it. That is ignor-ance.

I’ve been asking myself, “How do we love and bond with those who are not particularly developed?”

Paradoxically, we need to be able to NOT bond with them; to stand clear and solid in our own knowing of Self. As we are able to keep from being confused, or selling out parts of ourselves to go into unhealthy bonding, we have real choice. Now we become able to bond AND to un-bond and stand on our own. From this stance of inner freedom we can enjoy various points of commonality with others without becoming confused with them.

My spiritual tradition regularly sends the benefits of deep spiritual work to all of those in need, with the aim to aid, bless and awaken. This kind of Work allows us to experience Love and spiritual unity with others, regardless of their level of development. I greatly appreciate having role models who demonstrate what this Love feels like, so that I can participate while I am learning to generate and sustain it on my own.

Learning to love those we cannot love is one of the most personally and spiritually expansive endeavors we can undertake. It can confer meaning on difficult situations, allowing us to use them to our spiritual advantage.

When we bond with the One-in-All, inside, we find that others are no longer separate from us, whether or not they are Awake.

What traits do YOU find hard to love?

Do you have a need (like connection), a value (like Truth), or an ideal (like self awareness) that underlies this?

How can you reformat your ideals to expand your ability to Love?

“The hardest thing on the spiritual path is to become fully human.” ~Meyer Baba

I am in deep contemplation before joining at an event with a spiritual teacher, seeking to be open to him after a set of group experiences during which he resisted self awareness. He is a Friend I have always loved.

I am asking myself what it is about resisting awareness that disturbs me. I am asking myself whether I am judging.

I am discovering that I am not judging, but I am disappointed. I will explore this here because it is a valuable inquiry.

I am not one who requires that a teacher or leader be perfect in my eyes. If I have ever prided myself on something it was this: A mentor I once told me I was the only person he had mentored who transitioned to a friendship instead of finding some pretext to make him wrong or reject him, once they were powerful enough to no longer need him. I did not have to push him away to realize and sustain my growth.

A teacher’s mark of high success is to have students grow beyond them.

I am willing to see humanity and foibles of my current Teacher without allowing them to interfere with my enormous respect. This gives me the security that I am not likely to feel let down or foolish down the line.

Several people I have mentored have ‘discovered’ my own humanity, and taken objection. This is ironic since I have always been forthcoming about my flaws and challenges. When they retreated, their projections continued, flipping from positive to negative as they sought to come to grips with the issues were driving these views. I find it sad when someone feels they must withdraw to stand as a equal. I always aim to demonstrate gratitude to my mentors by standing BESIDE, as I become able.

What marks the difference in being able to accept the humanity of a teacher, friend, or fellow human, and becoming disappointed in them for their shortcomings?

Also, how do we hold OURSELVES with a respect that is not subject to erosion by our own shortcomings?

Contemplating my ability to accept my own and other’s humanity, I have to start with my spiritual Teacher and my healer. They provide the clearest mirrors. I respect them easily beyond any issues they may have. They are well aware of their shortcomings and are committed to Truth.

I also consider my work with clients. I can hold space for their growth with love, and support them without feeling superior or judging them for the issues they are so brave to confront.

When I plumb my experience and ask myself why I have difficulty with the shortcomings of some while accepting those of others, I realize that what matters to me is that the person is actively pursuing and working on becoming self aware.

Now I see that my distress regarding the Friend I will see shortly stems from the fact that he repeatedly resisted what he was being shown about himself in and following the incident that occurred.

Why did this leave me feeling so distant?

I felt shut out.

Truth is the meeting hall for Essence, where We meet when we are in touch with and moving from Essence, together. This is the sacred ground where we really connect. It has nothing to do with theory, belief, opinion, speculation, or the mind. It is the actuality of Connection we experience together when we meet heart to heart without concepts, in the simple authenticity of feeling.

When we defend and deny, we close the doors to the meeting hall. Reactive emotion without the presence of neutral self observation blocks insight exploration, and connection. It keeps us in personality, unable to access Essence.

Willingness to do one’s Work is often the fulcrum upon which relationships hinge.

I am looking for space in my heart to connect from Essence with my Friend and others, without allowing any incident to block stepping into shared Truth in another moment. I have confidence in my ability to do that, and I hope he lets me in as I remain open to him in his humanity.

How do YOU feel about connecting with people when they are not open to seeing what they are doing?

What conditions do you hold for engaging fully with others?

Is there something you can supply for yourself that can allow you to release your conditions and still remain emotionally healthy?