Positive Energy Guide

Moving from Calling People Energy Vampires into Self-Care

People with certain personality disorders do suck energy.
They are wounded.
This type of deep, core wound is not easy to heal.

Calling people vampires if they seduce us into giving them energy is becoming popular. I am not suggesting calling these people vampires: We all have wounds. We are all much more than our wounds. The term “energy vampires” is useful to wake us up to what is going on. I am suggesting keeping your eyes wide open for how people impact you, so you can choose wisely how you use your vital force. Once we can do this we can lose the need to label and simply take care of ourselves.

Persons with character disorders resist treatment for the following reasons:

• Seeking treatment may conflict with the need to be seen as special, perfect, and intact. Resistance to self-awareness (denial) is part and parcel.
• Issues about care may be projected onto the therapist, making treatment challenging for all but the most skilled and knowledgeable professionals.
• The consummate acting skills that can accompany the disorder may make it possible to fool the professional.
• The individual may fire the professional if treatment approaches the real issues.
• Initial wounding usually occurred before the person could talk, making it harder to process.
• Facing wounds can bring up intense pain, fear, and self-loathing in the process of healing.
• Even gentle and loving support to get professional help can be interpreted as character assassination.

Learning not to take the person’s symptoms personally is crucial to emotional survival.

Do not blame yourself for getting involved with someone with a character disorder, or for not knowing. How would you know before being exposed to it? The best psychotherapist I know of told me once that she “dated all of the different character disorders” as she learned to recognize healthy relationships.

Do not blame yourself for “attracting” the relationship.
Seek to discover what you can learn about yourself to make yourself strong and compassionate, with good boundaries. This will improve your life!

Look less to the cause and more for the purpose in your experiences.

Everyone has needs and may be needy from time to time. Needing energy, attention, and support sometimes does not make someone a vampire. Being constantly consumed with one’s own needs to the exclusion of the needs of others sucks.

I have observed people who fear others’ needs accusing those who are willing and able to give with love of being draining. These accusers were confused about needs. Ironically, the way they handled their concerns was draining. Be a person who looks to your own issues as well when seeking to understand others, and use information responsibly.

What have you learned about caring for yourself compassionately around draining people?