Positive Energy Guide

If possible, please aim to suspend any preconceptions about what two words mean, so you can stay open to what I hope to be able to convey in this post. The two words are: “God” and “Love.” These words can be catch-alls and vague because people mean so many things when they use them. I’m trying to write about a particular experience, not a concept or belief. And I’m not trying to make you believe anything.

If it’s useful to have a sketchy sense of what I might mean by “God,” you could say I’m talking about “That Which Is.” In terms of direct personal experience, including energy, sensation, and emotion, there are innumerable points of access to expanded or transcendental EXPERIENCE.

For some months I have been doing breath meditations from my spiritual teacher. During one practice, I inhale The All Pervading Life in Space and exhale focus on and if possible dialing in the experience of love, then Divine Love, and then God’s love. It takes focus to evoke or pull through the real energetics instead going by concepts or imagination.

I found the “God’s Love” part most challenging. I had lots of reasons to find the words annoying. They didn’t give me access to direct experience. I did not want to make something up. I wanted to bring forth something real. I have experienced the vibration or energy frequency of quite a few different flavors or expressions of divine love such as divine forgiveness, divine compassion, an ever-expanding field of love, and so forth. As for the straight-up experience of God’s Love Itself, I couldn’t wrap myself around that to draw it forth into sensation and experience. I would have scraped the practice if I my teacher was one to blabber about an abstract concept without the energy to back it up. He’s not, and can bring forth all manner of wonderful flavors of Love at will, so I keep trying.

After a period of regularity with that and other practices, I had a spontaneous experience that fit the bill. This experience would have been easy to misinterpret or even to miss, but once I identified it as a direct expression of God’s Love I was in delight:

I was walking around my house about to leave to the grocery store. I might have been singing something. I had been listening to an excellent and engaging but brutal detective novel. My heart was open. I was feeling spunky and talking to myself in my head.

I heard something inside saying, “I LOVE all the villains (in the novel) and all the horrible things they do!” Then I recoiled a bit and thought that I rather hated them, that those sorts of people are in the world and cause problems and agony. But the characters were so well done and so interesting! Then I heard inside, “I LOVE those bad people in the world too. I LOVE everything they do!” And I felt a horror because the things they do are despicable.

But my heart was springing open, so I tested this experience of loving the unlovable, by thinking about the things I have always hated in myself, and in that state I was able to feel, “I LOVE that too!” No matter where I turned “my” attention for about ninety seconds, I felt total and unconditional Love and acceptance.

On later reflection, I realized that this state of being divinely detached enough to feel total Love and acceptance for the worst of the worst, without fear or the myriad of usual human (and necessary) concerns, was a real experience of God’s Love. It was like the sun, shining on All Things without differentiation, yet simultaneously valuing them each in their uniqueness. In that state felt no fear. Everything was what is was in its own right, for its own mysterious, wonderful, awe-full SUCHNESS. Obviously this was not rational or logical or politically correct or even especially human—but it felt absolutely wonderful and it was a lot of fun.

I hope my words convey something real. I find it so annoying to hear this and that about “God’s Love” and be unable to imagine what that might really mean.

I do not believe I could recreate this experience intentionally. Perhaps sometime it will visit itself upon me again. Or perhaps I will have a totally different experience that I fits with the words “God’s Love.” I don’t know. I do not want to grasp or assume or make anything up. I will say, however, that the surprising, totally free, unconditioned, wonder of being able to feel Love not only despite but even FOR all the things that I usually recoil from or judge was like a fresh breath of life-giving air.

Do YOU remember a time when your concepts about something were uprooted by an actual experience?

How do concepts about what you should be feeling impact your ability to experience life?

What Interferes with grounding?

Just as headaches can originate from a numerous different sources, such as neck tension, toxicity, blocked emotion, eyestrain, allergy, etc., inability to ground can express a number of internal or physical states and conditions.

When speaking of scientific or electromagnetic grounding, interference comes from: Having metal, plastic, rubber between us and the Earth, and from electromagnetic pollution from appliances, computers, cell phones, high intensity power lines, hair dryers, air travel, etc. Those who are sensitive to electromagnetic influence become ungrounded during exposure. Since we live in a sea electrical influence, we may not identify the issue. If you feel or sleep a lot better out in nature or on the ground, electromagnetic pollution may be an issue for you.

A number of different types of issues interfere with “grounding” with respect to our ability to get into our bodies and allow energy transfer, and sensing connection with the Earth.

Sensing subtle energy requires concentration. One may have trouble grounding due to health issues, postural or structural problems such as upper neck misalignment, or exhaustion. Anything that interferes with concentration can interfere with grounding. In addition to exposure to electromagnetic pollution, this includes nutritional or chemical issues. Deficiency in stomach acid, for example, makes uptake of minerals difficult. Inadequate supply of minerals weakens the body’s electromagnetic fields, making the person more susceptible to external influences.

Following digestive issues, I struggled with grounding for years. After trying my best to follow various people’s advise I eventually became annoyed when people told me “just ground yourself,” or “grounding will take care of that,” as if it were something I could simply DO. If I inquired, they’d tell me to visualize tree roots going into the ground. That did nothing for me. I started to feel shamed and frustrated and quit asking.

Since then I have seen quite a number of people who were unable to ground. I have seen some of them become frustrated, confounded, and even ashamed around people who ground themselves as easy as falling off a log. Those who find grounding obvious and natural find it easy to return to or accentuate with simple visualization–like the typical tree roots into the earth meditation. For those with issues related to grounding, trying to do this can be vexing–and what it really IS may become something of a mystery.

Over time I have received, through my healer and through intuitive direction, various methods of grounding that usually work with people who haven’t been able to ground. Some techniques work immediately. Other take practice. How energy works with an individual depends not only on the technique, but on what the exact issue is, the person’s physical and energetic condition, and their aptitude at working with energy.

Over the next few posts we will explore in detail issues with grounding that I have experienced or observed in my practice. Even if you ground easily yourself, understanding these issues can provide a window into other people’s experience, increasing your understanding about how energy works. Exploring grounding issues illuminate a number of important energy dynamics.

Is there a grounding practice that works well for you? If so, what is it?

If you have difficulty grounding, what do you think it is that interferes?

As you will have observed, I don’t sugarcoat things or use excessively positive language. I reserve words like “awesome,” and other choice superlatives to describe the sublime. I will share and comment on an experience I had that was delicious–and truly awesome:

Toward the end of a spiritual camp and an evening of intentionally cultivating our energy and shared atmosphere with singing, breath, and synchronized movement, the group achieved what I would call a Holy Silence.

Consider the majesty of heartfelt love and deep connection between 250 people, feeling safe, accepted, open, at peace, loving, and quiet of mind. We stood awash in this beauty. This had nothing to do with concepts, beliefs, being good, or acting something out. Struck by a magical silence, we remained suspended in the atmosphere we just generated, unwilling and almost unable to move.

This type of experience takes attention, intention, great leadership, and practice. Gently at first and with growing momentum one person turns aside from the circle, then another. The silence that kept us spellbound began to peel away with these gentle, solo movements. Even a whisper shifts the energy. The circle rolls slowly apart as we step away from moving as One, fractionating into selfhood, some hoping to retain a whiff of the perfume of Unity.

Even after such lovely moments the busy mind, the personality, our urges and bodily needs reassert themselves, and our stories about ourselves and others kick in too quickly. Yet going about life having had experienced this–even once–changes something vital. Our hearts can open like a rose unfolding in the sun, and still we may fall right back into the aspects of personality that feed on feeling separate and alone. Feeling the painful contrast between these states, it is understandable that some feel a need to protect their hearts, or feel ‘down’ reentering daily life.

It takes courage, but practicing keeping our hearts open proves to be more satisfying. This Work includes compassionately addressing the issues that cause us to close down. Heading into instead of away from this inner territory expands our ability to remain open to Love.

Achieving a sublime silence in a large group is a wonder–and a minor miracle.Unlike the quiet of simply not talking, the atmosphere becomes refined, harmonious, and expansive. Sitting spellbound after a transporting performance has similarities. The Silence I am talking about holds no division between performer and audience. After invoking this state of Unity, one is fully a part of the beauty. Whether or not we have the skills to bring this about ourselves, since we are united with it, something of the experience sticks with us. An experience with a large group cannot easily be dismissed as imagination, a passing sentiment, or a private response. It is real; it lives and breathes within a culture of acceptance. Knowing that it is possible to feel totally inclusive can change what it means to us to be human. We know what loving community feels like. This shared sense of unity and love dispels alienation and inspires hope.

Group experience can free our hearts from the constraints of believing that love, intimacy, and safety exist exclusively in highly conditional personal relationships. So many feel alone if we are not happily partnered, with close friendships. We may feel a sense of scarcity about Love. Freedom of heart invites us to let our love flow more naturally, including but not limited to partnerships and friendships. Without scarcity, we love because loving is fulfilling. We need not grasp our loved ones tightly when we ourselves generate and participate with Love.

Within those precious moments of shared silence, the seeds of this freedom of heart took nourishment.

Have YOU ever experienced a powerful sense of Love and safety in a large group?

If so, how did your experience carry over into the way you feel connected to others when you are by yourself?

If not, what does hearing about it bring up for you?

What do you do to free your heart?

(Continued . . .)

At the close of the retreat we again sent blessings to one another, and customized them. We were then asked to communicate blessings as completely as possible without using words–in the space of two breaths, before moving to another partner.

To my delight I saw that I was about to pair with B.. Of course, at that point I’m thinking that I’m glad I’ve done a bit of breath training, so I can lengthen those two breaths! Picking my brain as usual, B. stepped up and took two half-second breaths, just to make me laugh. The intimacy of non-verbal humor is one of the greatest joys!

We met soul to soul, smiling, and tracking one another’s breath and energy. In our shared space, we brought our energy way up and out, expanding into bliss but staying grounded, then we washed it from above down and around us into the earth. This experience was vivid, and keen in the moment. It was a delight to share a pure Love, intuitive connection and play.

As always, the group ended by sending the concentrated energy we had generated together and the results of this Work out to All Beings.

Accepting compassion, healing, Love, and blessings makes it possible to serve others without draining ourselves. We all need activities in our lives that allow us to reinvigorate, inspire, and heal ourselves.

Over the course of the retreat L. had marshaled and crafted the energy of the group, sweetening and focusing it. She tenderized and stretched our hearts, then built clean power. And when this power began to crest and flower, banked it back and softened it so it would stay internal instead of spending itself in full expression.

For the group, full participation required resilient silence to maintain the energy and attunement, grounded Presence, synchronization of movement and intention, and a heart-full willingness to surrender the unimportant or irrelevant for a more global shared outcome.

Through breath, through tuning our instruments and voices, through rhythm, through the glance, through trust, and through loving discipline we achieved an extraordinary atmosphere, charged with Love and able to hold all that is human. Listening carefully to change our intonation, volume, movement and expression simultaneously helped hone the group’s ability to shift in a few heartbeats from laughter to the sweet sobriety of sincere and dedicated focus. In moments of inner silence, singing or chanting and moving together felt like being one of the arms of a sea anemone in a gentle ocean of love.

Our acceptance of death, suffering, and global realities, I believe, made the experiences I had possible. Wholeness and total acceptance do not blossom from a standpoint of denial or resistance. Saccharin approaches bring up cynicism for me, as they charge the shared atmosphere with whatever we deny. Purifying the heart by releasing judgment and finding ways to come to love within the realities of life is a more challenging but rewarding process.

Three sassy horses stood by the neighbor’s fence as I left the monastery after the retreat. They looked like they were waiting for me. I had a big fat apple on my passenger seat, which was odd since I usually don’t like apples. I stopped my van and bit off big chunks to parse it out, setting a few on a fence post for one beastie who was so eager I thought I might lose a hand.

Longing for new territory, I headed home through some mountains, finding my map and directions sadly lacking. I pulled over in the middle of nowhere, unsure whether to turn on a forest service road. Within two minutes a ranger happened to drive up. He showed me the way and gave me his own copy of an enormous forest service map. I headed home full and happy.

What do YOU do to fill yourself when life has taken too much of you?

Where do you allow yourself the freedom to be your real self?

(Continued . . .)

Forgiveness and blessing soften, open and release stuck energy.

The next day the retreat group did a Forgiveness Practice, eye to eye, singing: “Please forgive me, for all that I have done and all that I have not done. Please forgive me.” It could have been hokey. The beauty of the music and sincerity of the group made it powerful.

L. encouraged us to approach and sing to anyone in the room who we needed to clear something with, or to allow someone to stand in for a person in our lives or our hearts. Tears came up here and there around the room.

Contemplating this song, my best formulation of what many of us need to say to our best Selves would be: “Please help me to forgive myself for not forgiving myself for all that I am going to do or not do next.”

While a bit lawyerly, this formulation covers that niggling sense that if we forgive ourselves in this moment we might not still be quite up to forgiving ourselves later, and may find ourselves doing the same darned thing!

We need to be able to let ourselves move forward despite shortcomings in not yet being able to sustain our ideals. We need to be willing to forgive ourselves when we fall back. Then can we move forward with the confidence that we can return to grace again if we fall.

Most of the day we did prayerful song with movement–like the one I shared in Part 1, but varying widely in type, intention, and tone.

We shared blessings later that afternoon, starting with some standard blessings: “May you be well and happy. May you be free from pain. May you live in peace. May you return to Love.” After warming up to it we began making blessings up for the person in front of us, giving and receiving, then moving on to someone else. I challenged myself to craft blessings that perfectly fit the inner longing of the person in front of me, such as:

“May you find yourself always around people you can trust, who understand you so you can be totally silly and get to play in joy,” or “May you be recognized for your lovely and unusual gift of congruence between your body, movements, emotions, thoughts and energy.”

The second one brought tears, and the woman later said she had been hoping all her life that someone would notice that about her. It’s an amazing intimacy to connect soul to soul without knowing someone’s personality. We had never spoken with one another before. Her response speaks to how vital it is for us to be ‘seen.’

I had another profound experience that evening. The group, in a long line, doubled back on itself, snaking through the room so some of us would pass face to face. The fleeting glance of one man astonished and transported me. Faster than thought, my heart literally rocked in my chest. I was riveted, yet we had already passed.

What I felt was The Beloved. This had nothing to do with the man as a personality or a body. He was so Present, inwardly silent, and connected to Source that the Divine shone through him at that moment.

I felt a brief confusion. Yes, I wanted the moment back–and forever–but this flash of feeling had nothing to do with anything that could survive a moment of grasping. This was the mystical experience of longing for the Divine. There was no where to look for it but to cultivate it inside myself.

To have mastery over our energy requires assessing our experiences accurately. We are safe to open to deep feeling when we trust our perception and therefore our decisions.

Is there anyone YOU need to forgive, or to receive forgiveness from?

How does thinking about this impact your energy?

(Continued . . .)

Throughout the next day about a quarter of the community approached me with some form of acknowledgment or loving support.

By contrast, I realized that few had come to know me. Since I rarely engage in casual conversation, and going into depth without being casual first can make people take a step back, I was somewhat of a mystery. Only the seers in the group had a good sense of me. My vulnerability had humanized me. An individual might have been overwhelmed, but a group aiming for Love and Wholeness could embrace me. Being accepted by a large group was a new experience for me.

People felt safer around me. Rather than sending out confused energy based on guessing, more people were perceiving me as I am, making their responses easier to receive. It was amazing to be ‘seen’ in the true strength of standing in vulnerability.

A woman I had never spoken with approached and thanked me for what I had done. I asked if she could tell me what she felt I had done and why she was thanking me.

She said: “I admire your courage and willingness to be open and vulnerable with the group. Opening such a deep and complex process gave the group permission to be open, and for us to trust the community too. It showed your willingness to trust us. It allowed the group to go to a deeper level in our work. In a sense, it raised a certain standard.

“It is rare that one is allowed to see that deeply into Beings who are going through that kind of pain and confusion. The way you brought yourself to it and were able to process it was a good example for us. It was also interesting to see the way the leaders were able to stop just when it became enough, and direct the group in a way that they could do what they were here to do, yet also not be separate–with you off over there–but to be involved and sending love.”

Later, another woman said, “Your sharing toward the beginning was a real service to the community. It helped me to get at some things inside too.”

One man said he felt better about his own life knowing someone he looked up to had been struggling. Hmm. Points for honesty?

Almost all of us have been been hurt by groups at some point. Many live in internal isolation. We may not want to burden or overwhelm family or friends, especially if we are their support. Those of us who give a lot know how much our loved ones are carrying too. We don’t know what they might do if we make ourselves vulnerable, or whether they will know how to manage what might come up. We don’t want to be shut down if they cannot make an understanding response, or feel threatened, or tell us to buck up and soldier on.

When we suffer great losses, our grief can also bring up the grief of those with whom we share. If they cannot manage it, they are likely to shut us down. Culturally, we rarely talk in depth about death or suffering. We are rarely encouraged to grieve.

Grieving is a healthy process, which naturally follows love and loss. It serves to clear us out again, to be able to experience joy. When we stuff our grief, we may inadvertently block access to joy.

Do you have people you can talk with freely about loss, death, and suffering?

How do you feel about yourself when you share things that other people have trouble dealing with?

Here is the soundtrack again if you care to hear part of the event as my story of a healing event continues:

A friend on the Path, J., approached me with loving tears on her face. My body began to thrash in a resistive way when she touched me, as if on its own. This was not a release. I love J., but her energy was not going to work for me at that moment. I held my palms out in a universal symbol to back away.

B. remained solid and clear, giving me courage.

J. backed up just outside my fields, grounded herself, and began to pray for me with love, keeping her heart and her glance with me. I was deeply grateful that she understood and accepted my need without making anything up, feeling rejected, or projecting on me. I was greatly relieved that she ‘got it’ and could honor my need for her not to touch me without withdrawing. Her response was truly loving and healing. This touched me more deeply than touching my body could have.

B. said, “Thank you for trusting me to be there for you. It is a privilege to support you.”

S., a lovely and competent therapist, showed up and laid her body across my back. On her knees beside me, she began to sob aloud. I was grateful for her trust, and this deep contact. I felt as if she was crying for us both, and learned later that her current life situation matched parts of my own. I lifted the heat and weight of her long, thick hair from her neck and face, and covered the back of her heart chakra with my hand, to support and connect.

A familiar-feeling hand took one of mine, stretching my arm above me. My new friend, A., pressed acupuncture points in my palm.

Someone calm–P.– grasped my feet, helping me stay in my body. P. put a hand on my sacrum. A jolt like a shock ran through me, jarring my body in a huge spasm. I gripped B. to stabilize my body. I saw from his face and hesitancy that P. was uncertain whether touching my sacrum was supportive. He allowed me to place his hands where I needed them at the moment. As remembered I could ask for what I need I redirected various hands to areas where I needed connection or release energy. My brave supporters were happy to be effective. Now their collective flow activated energy that had been locked inside. It began to release in intense and sudden jolts.

B. stroked my forehead. I pressed my face into his leg or side, pulling gently on my hair to keep my neck aligned so I wouldn’t hurt it as I thrashed. I was trying to relax and let it all happen. “You can throw up on me if you need to,” B. said. I told him I didn’t want to. “But you can.”

A tiny but mighty healer who is also a midwife leapt in and began digging with all of her fingers over my heart, like a small dog scrabbling for a bone. She suddenly grabbed and tore something out from the energy-hole she just dug, flinging it from the building. A cascade of jolts raced through me, buckling my spine and shooting out the top of my head. This release was especially helpful and powerful. I found this intervention oddly comforting and even lyrical.

Later, she told me she was aiming for the pond when she did this “extraction”--and truly hoped no one had been in the way of the energy she threw out. She said this extraction had been done by her inner fox, who assists her when she does healing.

I challenged myself to take in all this support, to let myself feel it instead of trying to get the process over with so people could carry on. I began singing softly with the group between waves of release. This helped me stay with the process without thinking too much. I let myself feel included instead of feeling as if I were interfering with the group process.

As I went through this moment of concern, B. said, “You really didn’t need to go to such lengths to get a little attention from us–you could have just asked for it!” This was his kind of humor, touching my fear gently so I could laugh and let it go.

When the storm had passed he said, “Why don’t you let some of your sisters walk you out to your van and go to bed.” I thanked him and we shared a parting hug. He added, “I’m just glad I thought to tell you to put your head in my lap, and that you trusted me and were able to do it!”

S. and I got herbal tea and had a good talk in my van.

Does part of this story ping something for you?

What comes up, and what does it tell you about yourself?

If not, is there any feeling you resist when read this? 

How are you with receiving support?

Let’s talk about something before I continue my story: When we hear about especially positive experiences, some of us feel shame, inadequacy, longing, or even annoyance.

Almost all of us have issues about being included. Reading about my experiences of healing in group situations may bring up issues for some of you. Alienation, envy, feeling abandoned, etc. can arise when we hear about other people’s connections. If we would like to feel happy for them, we may feel confused if this discomfort comes up.

If someone has connections we long for we may become ensnared in preconceptions about other people’s relationships, recalling previous traumas and losses. Reactions and relationship issues usually originate with early family dynamics. As a teen or preteen, most of us also found trying to fit in painful. Feeling unwelcome in and unvalued by groups hurts.

Like a reflex, we learn to automatically exclude ourselves as a kind of self protection. Self protection isolates us more when we most want to connect. What is called for instead is careful discernment about WHICH groups and individuals to connect with. We also need self-connection and self-nurturing in group situations, and a compassionate sense of when to gently withdraw.

It is my sincere hope that I can transmit a whiff of the healing experiences I’ve been going through, as I share them with you. I am including you!

If something comes up for you when you read about positive experiences, notice what arises. What do they ‘ping’ in you?

Welcome any discomfort and use it as a guide. The nature of your distress will give you clues as to what you need to heal.

Your distress calls out for sweetness and compassion.

Expanding our relationship to love helps extricate us from the mire caused by our histories. There are different types of love. As we open our hearts, we become more inclusive. We learn to allow ourselves to be open to love connections that have little to do with personality or personal relationships. Since our wounds are highly personal, we become open to sharing a Love that is more universal.

In inclusive and healthy spiritual groups, interaction may have little to do with personality. Love connections arise naturally, in the moment– usually without people seeking to secure it into their personal lives. We feel love and connection during an event, and sometimes an ongoing ‘heart connection’ that we enjoy if we see one another. We understand that this has little to do with relationship. We may ALSO develop friendships.

Personal connections take time–and involve karma. Relationships that involve a degree of binding exist for various purposes. They bring up and allow us to work with personality issues.

In spiritual work, the personality is a vehicle for development of the soul.

Those who attend inclusive spiritual events are not exempt from difficult feelings. Some feel intense after-event let-down. Some feel residual longing for heart connection in their daily lives, and feel frustrated in their relationships, or lack of the same.

How to open to love and deal with longing:

• Expand your ideas about what Love is. Acknowledge, recognize and enjoy love connections that are not personal. For example, savor a passing smile shared with a child.
• Notice love you feel for some strangers as you drive by. The more you let Love flow the more connected you will feel to life.
• Let your love have less to do with something personal and exclusive.
• Practice allowing yourself to give and receive love in total freedom, without attempting to create personal relationships unless they feel totally ‘right.’ The kind of love I am talking about does not create binding. It is not personal emotion as much as Cosmic Connection.
• Allow the energy of a loving event to carry forth into your life, using it to fuel any changes you need to make to be more open to love.
• Increase your awareness of people you love and respect with whom you are not in regular contact. Feel your hearts and spirits connecting through links of light that criss-cross the globe.
• Focus your longing for love into your spiritual life.
• Breathe in and out of your heart center.
• Seek to generate spiritual Love and bring it forth from yourself. As we learn to radiate it, we do not experience an absence.

Please feel free to share your thoughts and feelings about this topic.

What comes up for YOU and what do you do you to manage it?

WITH THAT MOON LANGUAGE

Admit something:
Everyone you see, you say to them, “Love me.”

Of course you do not do this out loud,
Otherwise someone would call the cops.

Still though, think about this, this great pull in us to connect.

Why not become the one who lives with a full moon
In each eye that is always saying,
With that sweet moon language,

What every other eye in this world
Is dying to hear?

Hafiz

Since most of us have not had the advantages of working with energy healing in a safe group, I have decided to model ‘positive vulnerability’ and share an intimate set of experiences that occurred at a spiritual retreat. This story takes several posts.

The leaders of this event–L. and B.–generate and focus spiritual energy through the way they manage the group dynamics. While highly spiritual, they encourage wholeness and embrace the difficult aspects of life.

We spent the first day building energy and connection through music, meditation, and prayerful dance, including practices done with a series of partners, with eye contact. As accumulated energy from our practice thrummed in the atmosphere, L. asked us to speak out, in a word or two, our prayers or intentions for the four day retreat. What came out for me was “dissolution” (coming apart). I had been carrying way too much, and had been unable to unwind it from within.

S., a participant who is a psychotherapist, told me later that “dissolution” sounded pretty good amidst all the cheery things people were calling out.

During one session in this yearly retreat, L. and B. invite those who feel called to do so to tell the group if they have been going through an intense life transition. Probably all of us have had multiple group experiences when we did not get appropriate support, and many of us hide our true natures within a group. Having a community witness, accept, and hold us in their hearts as we reveal the burdens we carry silently is especially healing.

I had known for days that I would speak at this point in the workshop. Someone had just shared a painful and demanding life experience. Another woman shared her powerful Inner Work, in tears. As she finished I felt myself lurch to my feet.

Now that the moment had arrived I nearly seized up. I have been rejected plenty for sharing things that were more intense than people wanted to process. One of my hands flew to my mouth like, ‘Oh crap!’ and I said: “I think I’m going to speak,” realizing as I spoke that no one knew where I was coming from.

Suddenly I was shaking so hard it was hard to stand. My stomach knotted hard and bent me forward. My throat threatened to choke off my voice. I managed to summarize my winter of heavy losses, unreasonable and unrelenting demands, fear, pain, and grief, leading to debilitating exhaustion. “That’s not all of it either,” I whispered. I did not intend to go on.

“That’s plenty!” B. said with feeling. “Come here.” He raised a hand and I crept forward. “Put your head in my lap.” I froze, aware of the sixty people in the room. Then I surrendered by focusing on B. alone.

Through the worst of my year I had remembered B.. He sits with people as they die, and teaches caregivers to stand in Presence through pain as life itself breaks apart. I trusted him to be with me without imposing anything, and I trusted L. to take care of the group. Just knowing that I did not have to protect anyone from my feelings and that I could be safe in a group was a minor miracle.

L. gathered the group by saying gently, “Sometimes the best way we can support someone is by carrying on with what we were doing and sending love as we do it.” She led a dance and song of peace and healing, like sweet water through the room. I could feel the group moving as one, and sensed love from those who sent it. L.’s wise and natural response was a comfort.

If you care to, you may listen to the sound track of this tender moment. It is beautiful and powerful. Be forewarned, though, that you will hear a few seconds of sobbing as I was joined by another Beloved in pain. If you allow it, this track can take you deep into your heart–and into acceptance and joy. The energy in it is focused, and the atmosphere charged with blessing and Love. Translated, the words have to do with swimming through oceans of mercy, returning to the Source That is the One Being.

Have you ever been totally vulnerable in a large group without being shamed, suppressed, controlled or limited?

If so, how did it impact you? If not, what comes up when you imagine it?

During a spiritual retreat, I walked to a nearby river with two other women. P. discovered in conversation that have had a strong voice for avoiding gluten cross-contamination at group events. She would not discuss it.

After a short and awkward silence, the second woman, A., said she had been uncomfortable further up the river. She felt disrupted energy in that spot, as if something had happened in the past.

“You mean back by the bridge?” I said. A. nodded. “I noticed the same thing last year. I felt scared there. What did you experience? A number of people, right?”

“Yes. Native American, I think. People died,” she told me.

“That’s what I got too. A fight, by the edge of the river. About six or eight people.” A. put her cute toes in the water and stirred black sand. “Let’s go clear it out? Do you want to?”

A. smiled and stood up, coming almost to my shoulders–tiny but mighty.

As we walked upriver toward the spot I said, “Lots of people get shut down around food issues. I hope P. will still be open with me, since I’d like to get to know her better.”

A. said, “Is this conversation about wanting to be friends with someone and feeling vulnerable?”

I laughed. “Yes, exactly.” A. looked nervous. A small hand had flown to her mouth, as if to keep inside what had already rushed out. I peered down at her and said, “Hey. You don’t have to worry about cutting all the way through to the underlying reality around me–or anything else you may care to say, about me or about yourself. I’m fine with your insight.”

A. melted and embraced me. “Really? I’ve had that before and the people went away.”

“I’m not going to go away,” I said. “We can be open with each other.”

A. extended a soft but strong little hand and we shook on it. We fell into step together with a sense of depth and trust, embarking on an adventure.

Clearing the land did not take us long. Our perceptions matched exactly, and our energy worked well together. A. let me direct her since she hadn’t done this before.

Once we cleared left over energy from a lethal fight on the far bank of the river, A. noticed fear and shock on the near bank. I felt it too. Onlookers had been connected with the people in the fight, and watched them die. We both sensed this, and that several bodies had fallen down the short cliff to the river. The land felt normal to us when we left.

As we walked back to the retreat A. asked how I held my focus in order to do the clearing. I said, “You totally ‘get it,’ and you will be able to do this kind of thing because you have an accommodation that most people haven’t developed. You have the ability to separate the skeins–like clumps of yarn–of your personal emotions and responses from your direct perception of what is outside. This skill is essential to reading energy accurately.

“What I did was to stay with myself, grounded in my body, with part of my perception, and use a second part independently to scan and sense what was going on. When I had you place the scene of the incident inside a bubble, and hold it there, this boundary helped screen out anything irrelevant from the environment and focus perception. Then I felt into what was going on with the energy and accessed Guidance to know what to do to shift the energy.”

Part of that had been inviting the souls involved to forgive, reclaim, and move on, and blessing them with peace. Part of it had been updating something like a time rift on the land, to allow the present to fully penetrate the location of the incident, where had time seemed frozen.

The next day I spoke with a man who had been stuck and confused for a long time. He was unable to separate Guidance from emotional reaction. His lack of discernment made life navigation difficult.

This contrast underscored what I had been saying to A.: Learning to discern and separate personal reaction from perception is crucial for accurate intuitive work.

In what way do YOU need to be able to trust yourself in order to become more confident reading energy?

What do you need to do to develop this trust?