19 July 2015 15 Comments

Managing Your Energy Part 54: Musings on Self Realization, Part Three: Learning to Love those we Cannot Love

“Shatter your ideals on the rock of Truth.”  ~Inayat Khan

The urge toward self realization, actualization, self awareness, and awakening is a major driver in the Universe. It supports so much of what I hold dear because it gives meaning to human endeavor.

While not the most evolved stance, when someone who is important to me eschews what I most value and hold as right and good, it rankles me. I’m sure I’m not alone in that.

I’ve been thinking about just what it is that I find disturbing about unconsciousness. When someone SEES and ADMITS their foibles, this often makes them acceptable to me. This intrigues me. Is it because I can accept it when they do?

When we do not accept ourselves, it is harder for others to do so.

One of the key drivers of the Universe is the urge to become Self aware. It strikes me that when we RESIST awareness, we are moving away from this primary spiritual impetus. It just seems ‘off’ to me. It heckles my truth-sensors and aggravates my values and sense of honor.

So does standing in judgment of those who are less evolved. I am seeking to come to peace with the fact that much of humanity lives in the darkness of our own ignorance and denial. This peace is not coming easily.

I’m finding it useful to explore what it is about unconsciousness of self that I find offensive. Let me avoid listing attitudes that support atrocities, and stick to the mundane expressions of ignorance—although they are cut from the same cloth. Denial and overlooking one’s abuse of power may play our trivially in daily life. This ignorance is still of the same nature as that which some act out in damaging ways on the slate of an entire country.

We separate ourselves from others when we wall ourselves off to defend ourselves from insight. Then we can act in ways that cause harm without realizing our essential unity with others. The unity exists, yet we ignore it. That is ignor-ance.

I’ve been asking myself, “How do we love and bond with those who are not particularly developed?”

Paradoxically, we need to be able to NOT bond with them; to stand clear and solid in our own knowing of Self. As we are able to keep from being confused, or selling out parts of ourselves to go into unhealthy bonding, we have real choice. Now we become able to bond AND to un-bond and stand on our own. From this stance of inner freedom we can enjoy various points of commonality with others without becoming confused with them.

My spiritual tradition regularly sends the benefits of deep spiritual work to all of those in need, with the aim to aid, bless and awaken. This kind of Work allows us to experience Love and spiritual unity with P1060832others, regardless of their level of development. I greatly appreciate having role models who demonstrate what this Love feels like, so that I can participate while I am learning to generate and sustain it on my own.

Learning to love those we cannot love is one of the most personally and spiritually expansive endeavors we can undertake. It can confer meaning on difficult situations, allowing us to use them to our spiritual advantage.

When we bond with the One-in-All, inside, we find that others are no longer separate from us, whether or not they are Awake.

What traits do YOU find hard to love?

Do you have a need (like connection), a value (like Truth), or an ideal (like self awareness) that underlies this?

How can you reformat your ideals to expand your ability to Love?

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15 Responses to “Managing Your Energy Part 54: Musings on Self Realization, Part Three: Learning to Love those we Cannot Love”

  1. Therese 19 July 2015 at 7:58 am #

    Wow! There is a lot in here. First, I want to say, while I’ve developed some thoughts around this subject, I still find it difficult to forgive some people’s actions towards me. I’m working on it! This post did make me think about what it is that I find difficult to forgive. I will address that first.

    I find it difficult to forgive people who treat me badly if I don’t think and act the way they deem appropriate. I find it difficult to forgive people who act as if I have no rights. It doesn’t matter to me that I understand where their actions may originate. I find it difficult to forgive people who take no responsibility for their lives and blame others for everything that happens to them. Okay, that’s what I’m battling right now.

    The explanation I use to help myself accept others where they are without judging has lots of avenues built in. I think people are mostly afraid. Everyone wants to feel loved and most of us are taught love comes from outside ourselves. Feeling lonely is the result of looking outside ourselves for love and attention. Because many look outside themselves, doing anything that is not the status quo is scary. If a person wants something different than the people from whom they get their love, they risk losing the love of those people. No one understands conditional love is not love. We often only know what we have experienced. Most of us have only experienced conditional love.

    For those who are willing to search for more, they must be willing to lose everything they know to seek something they’ve never experienced. Usually, that willingness to seek and lose everything comes from a pain so intense that to stay in the pain will cause a death of our soul. We are unwilling to die so we seek. For those willing to give up everything, it can be difficult to understand why others are willing to die to stay in their comfort zone. For me, accepting and being understanding of those who stay in their comfort zone is my goal. I still believe everyone has the ability to change. I haven’t found the magic words to get people to implement the change which is why I’ve decided I must shine so brightly people want to change to have what I have.

    As I’ve begun to shine more, I’ve noticed people are polarized by me. Some want the change for themselves so they sit in their discomfort to spend time around me. Some people run away from me and pretend I no longer exist. Some avoid me because they don’t know what to do with me. Some observe me and incorporate changes they see into themselves. So many ways to react to me. The one overriding thing I’ve noticed is, even people who treat me as if they hate me, are still drawn to me. They hate themselves for that and will scream at me but they will still make a point of coming around me. I’ve decided the hate is a test to see if I really can love them enough to accept them even though they hate. The fact is, I believe they hate because they hurt and I know love is the only solution. So I do my best to love.

    This is a topic I hope leads to a lot of discussion. I’m always interested in other ways to view how people behave. I need the input of others views to help me get out of my habitual thought patterns. Thank you for writing about this topic, Teresa!

    With Love,

    • Teresa Dietze 19 July 2015 at 11:34 am #

      I’m definitely headed into the material in your first few paragraphs. It’s been really hard to write! I start wishing I was as sweet as you are (which is not to say that I am less loving, but I’m more fiery and fierce in my presentation)!

      I find your comments on the difficult parts relieving, as I hope people will find my next few posts. I kind of work into it by laying out a context, but eventually say EXACTLY what it’s like to deal with people who cannot see where we move from.

      Your response is giving me needed courage.

      Your comment above is about the length of a post, and has a lot of merit. I’d hate for anyone to miss it. May I put it in post format?



      • Therese 19 July 2015 at 3:58 pm #

        Feel free to put it in post format.

        The comment about me being nice made me laugh. I don’t think of myself as nice. I am too nice as far as giving away myself. But I see myself as controlling, stubborn. and bull headed. I’m trying to be more peaceful and calm because that is where my health lies. If I’d never lost my health, I’d never have dedicated myself to the journey I’m on. It’s a struggle sometimes.

        I’m not putting myself down. I’m simply recognizing there are all facets to each of us. It is those facets we choose to show the world which determine how the world sees us. You are amazing! A little fire is a good thing. People tend to respect it.

        With Love,

        • Teresa Dietze 19 July 2015 at 4:16 pm #

          Ha! I once heard Carolyn Myss (who is not nice but is brilliant) say that she required her intense and powerful personality to be able to achieve her life mission in the face of her sensitivity. I can relate to that, and it sounds like perhaps you can as well. If we did not have those powerful attributes we might be unable to tolerate the love we carry without being eaten alive. 😉



        • Bree 28 June 2017 at 1:40 pm #

          I can totally relate to both of your posts. I wonder how much of you thinking of yourself as controlling, stubborn, and bull headed has to do with how people perceived you. Perhaps people in your life have called you these things not necessarily because you are those things, but more because they felt overwhelmed or unable to accept you and love you for you. Like you say people are attracted to you, they like your energy, but many times that can make them feel less than.

  2. Kelly 19 July 2015 at 2:57 pm #

    God willing, you’ll take it in playful truth.

    There has never been two.

    The stance in I is ignorance and the ignorance of the ego is projected onto the other. This has many aspects for reflection.

    Down here the good we believe we do for another is always in ignorance and harm to another or perhaps later for the same. We will never see the totality or understand why things are, even the religions who spout Truth. I’m sure that we all can recall a time when our best intentions turn on us and we were the fool so to speak.

    We will always be ignorant. and perhaps arrogant too!

    God can manifest in any way and we are always ignorant of something yet to come. Nobody knew about bacteria until we did. There is no ultimate arrival or correct way. Perhaps the best we can do is to attune to our Self in each moment and be true to the guidance FOR THAT MOMENT, then let it all go for the next. I honestly cannot find any other thing to hold onto, even though I am not always able to do this.

    For an ignorant sleeper, responding to guidance may be to get that six pack to go with a fifth of whisky for the big game. Oops that may be the Avatar and the little man sits to read from a wisdom tradition, seemingly aware and above the fray. Really who is to say.

    It would appear we have each been given our own way, our own character to play and who is to say that Charlie Brown is better than the President. They all uphold one image. Our illusory self begs it be different.

    When one (yep ONE) begins to suffer we look deeper. For some, we are blessed to realize God as everything, including the space between me and the Kikkoman’s soy sauce as well as the beater and whipping cream. Has paradox come up in this yet?! Others just suffer. We are all equally ignorant.

    These thoughts we are pushing around provide the opportunity for breakthrough moments, but it is God who breaks through to God. God is the block, the head and the sword coming down. God is the wife scolding God the drunk husband holding God the beer while watching God the TV through God the electricity while God the baby sleeps. One actor, all roles, who is to judge? The carpet?

    There are days we can set down the luggage and look deeply into the beer and see the radiance of God, laughing all the way. I don’t mean to just point to the liquor, I should include the cement, garbage, flowers and blender too. The point is that nothing is left out of the radiance of God and we will never know why things roll out the way they do or where it leads.

    We are all ignorant and the problem comes from our core ignorance, the ego sense of separation and dualistic thinking.

    God can dance the self-righteous dance to put her panties in a bunch about how it should be and do it through me!

    For now, I’m giving up underwear.

    • Teresa Dietze 20 July 2015 at 10:21 am #

      Dear Kelly,

      In general, you’ve done a lively and colorful job of describing a cosmic truth.

      The only thing that sticks in my craw is “Down here the good we believe we do for another is always in ignorance and harm to another.” Without the word “always” I can go with it. And your point is important.

      I would like to add that the harm one fears one may have done may at times be ‘good’–or at least an important part of the cosmic dance.

      Meyer Baba, in “Discourses,” has a chapter on “Selfless Service” that lays out the advantages and pitfalls of aiming to serve others–the details and fine print, as it were.

      While I am personally comfortable with your post and welcome your participation, as moderator of this site, I find it necessary to add additional commentary:

      The thing about this kind of Truth is that it exists in the Absolute. It could be called a ‘higher’ truth, which is to say that it is also ‘lower’ because it permeates All. These perspectives, while useful to the aspirant who is ready (well . . . we’ll make an exception for those who do not FEEL ready and get it anyway) for them. One needs to be able to take them in and yet still play his or her role in life with good heart. Those of us who choose to serve give service our best shot, and employ the truths that allow us to learn from our errors without becoming crippled by futility. We could throw up our hands and say, “I am not enlightened now and can do no good,” and rot in front of the TV. We will still BE God, but we may be disengaged and miserable.

      While we are here working things out, filling time until we become enlightened and ALL of our service is of benefit, engaging Relative truths, such as that of spiritual development over time, may well suffice. Yes, we must temper ego by remembering that development does not make the toaster better than the dandelion.

      As a participant in a several thousand year old spiritual order that includes enlightened Beings, I trust in the benefits of Guidance. As a healer, I am willing to occasionally error by attempting to ‘help’ someone who still needs to suffer, knowing that I cannot thwart their karma, especially since I do not force things based on my concepts, and I rely on Guidance.

      In my opinion, it would be an error to decide that nothing we do matters. From another point of Truth, everything matters infinitely. Which Truth serves the individual depends on his or her juncture in spiritual growth at the moment. Since we are not separate from the Divine Drama, let us play our roles trusting that we may have benefit. And if we need to play a different role, may we be inspired to do so.

      May All Beings Be Happy. May All Beings Be Well.



      • Kelly 21 July 2015 at 1:48 pm #


        For everyone that is reading this thread, I would like you to know that I am not trying express a view that appears nihilistic or flip as much as it sounded that way. Those are useless, unless you can use it to see that they too are just states to see through, just like knowledge and ignorance. But it is not a state to hang out in which I see happen with some nondual seekers.

        When I read my post over, I wondered if to post simply because it was so on the fringe and could be taken in offensive terms. Not what I wanted to convey, but I realize it could be easily taken up from the writing. Other insights were available too which is why I let it be, although a bit nervously. (I will risk things more than the usual person simply because I know there is always a way through and the payoff can be profound.)

        It’s too easy to see God in flowery things so it is good to rummage through the trash at times to remind ourselves that there is nothing outside God. When you contemplated this it can give you another insight into ‘that ignorant person’ you just want to be rid of!

        The worst offense you want to turn away from is also a door to liberation from my experience. I generally walk towards those.

        I could have written this better and pulled out more info like I usually do, but I decided to let the chips land where they will and trust it. For anyone offended, my intent was not to cause destructive harm that leads nowhere. Offense would have been one of several appropriate responses.

        Sometimes what one is inspired to say or post can make you pause and rewrite and question. I let it be because I had been occupying a space a few rungs up from my everyday consciousness and it was what came. Our view can change in a heartbeat.

        (BTW, I have no problem with the guy drinking beer watching the game or alcohol in general. The post could lead one to think otherwise. I love football and a beer. Given my sensitivity, I am a cheap date drinking a shared beer at best!!!)

        So, yes Teresa, ‘always’ and other absolutes are crummy word choices and I could have made different decisions about my choice of words many times over..

        That said, I still have to stand by the statement that we are always ignorant to something.

        First off, that is the partner of knowledge. If you have knowledge, you have ignorance-two poles in this dualistic world to integrate and transcend. Most of us shove our ignorance into the cellar preferring to see only our knowledge. What happens to the shame of ignorance? We project it onto others until we own it in ourselves, then it no longer makes us crazy when we bump up against it. That said there are many facets of ignorance that we have to take in, so just because you sorted out one angle does not mean you are in the clear. Our greatest ignorance is the belief in our state of separation from other or God, if you will. The point though is that it is our inner work and not the other’s. Gulp.

        I meant it to also reflect that nobody can see the whole picture. Even in our best attempt we will find we are missing some info that would have changed our decision about what to do.

        That should not keep you from following your guidance or heart, but rather question how to move forward with this understanding. T’s community will obviously be kindhearted and of service and not want to cause harm. I am not saying you should give up your care. This world needs it more than ever from this perspective and it is where we are all living at the moment. But in terms of personal development along the slippery slopes of care we sometimes need to step back and see ourselves and others from a higher perspective, then come back in to do the work with fresh eyes.

        For people somewhat conscious we get to choose what we align ourselves with down here-we can be a force of love and kindness or otherwise and act appropriately. (Sometimes love crushes or cuts.) In the end, I feel you still have to be yourself and take the action that seems best in the moment. But to do so thinking you’ve got it figured out is a mistake. You can start to think you know it all and can only do good in this world. That fuels fundamentalism.

        Say the ice cream truck pulls up and the kids have gathered. As the truck operator you recognize this one child who never has money and is left wanting. This day you offer him whatever he would like, on your dime, hoping to brighten his day. He takes an ice cream with nuts. His allergy, which you are not privy to and he does not understand , nearly kills him. You learn from this many things that begin to complicate your force of good in the world. Now what?

        There is no easy or clear way through until you make peace with this idea that we will never really know why we are given the guidance offered.

        For me, I practice what appears correct in the moment and take action on that, including no action when appropriate. You have to let go of the outcome-and I’m going to use another ugly word-always. When there is no guidance you must reference yourself with the same understanding. You do your best and hold true to your values then let it go.

        For me, at this time, I practice following my guidance without too much questioning and let go of the outcome. What else can we do knowing we cannot see the whole picture? We get these single frames (snipets in time) of life and want to make them all connect into a beautiful film with meaning we enjoy. That is our projection.

        Maybe it’s not that way, we may never see the whole story if there is one. That was my perspective when I posted what I did. I can’t know who is reading or who those words may be for. Someone may need to experience life as flip and nihilistic in order to see through those states, others need to experience their offense and there may be someone who was ready to see things from a new height. My task was to discern what was in alignment for me. I can’t do that for anyone else let alone everyone else. Challenging lessons.

        My conventional self wants to fit right in and care for everyone while being appreciated, my actual self loves to break things apart in radical ways while my best self continues to learn a path that follows higher guidance which can get me into trouble with the everyday sleepy world and my conventional self, often taking the way of the seemingly radical self. I have to make peace with myself. T, don’t even try to pull this one apart!!!!

        Letting go and letting God is risky and will separate you out from the rest in a way that is not very comfortable, but you learn to find comfort within and let the outer world run off. You have to live with yourself. The more you make peace with yourself the more peaceful the world appears.

        The people I work with come to expect the unexpected, that something precious to their mind may crumble leaving them momentarily disoriented before reordering to a new and broader perspective. I know I am not for the overly fearful who need one tidy through line. That shrinks my world in one way while opening it in another. On this journey of self actualization you have to be alright with your natural expression as God intends.

        To circle back, I want to address what you pulled out T.

        ‘The only thing that sticks in my craw is “Down here the good we believe we do for another is always in ignorance and harm to another.” Without the word “always” I can go with it. And your point is important.’

        In dualistic terms there will always be good/bad, help/harm. The dualism can be transcended. And the statement is loaded at many levels. It was not intended to shut anyone down. The hope is that people join the conversation to flush things out, not accept it or walk away, but join in the dance and ask questions or offer insight. I am not afraid of strong reactions, they provide great fuel for exploration, but openness is needed and the ego doesn’t like that. All the more reason to go into it!

        So, what is it you see that catches you in the ‘always’ remark?

        I intend this all in goodness and sincerely. Words fall shorter on paper than with full body expression!

        I hope this is fruitful for us all.

        How do you (everyone reading this) move forward with your own ignorance?

        • Teresa Dietze 21 July 2015 at 2:12 pm #

          Dear Kelly,

          Thank you for explaining for those who may not have understood your initial comment.

          No offence taken from your previous post. I just don’t think we “always” do harm. It could be disturbing for someone who is trying to be of service to feel she was only doing harm.

          I agree with what you are saying in this detailed rendition.

          I also enjoy your raw frankness and edginess. You are refreshing, and a treasure.


  3. Kelly 19 July 2015 at 3:05 pm #

    I should add, that by the grace of God I have been afforded the opportunity to see through the face of that ignorance son of a bitch who wont stay out of my trash and see God laughing behind it. That is on a good day, but the practice is to greet everything as God, even your own reflection in the mirror while brushing your teeth before bed tonight.

    • Therese 20 July 2015 at 7:23 am #

      Wonderful dialogue, Kelly! I have come to the conclusion I am here to be with me, to figure out me. Hopefully, in doing this self reflection, I will be able to accept everything as it is and be free of the judgment. This is what I got out of what you wrote. Simplified, yes. Thank you!

      With Love,

  4. Kelly 21 July 2015 at 2:00 pm #

    Girl, you are a wonderful marvel having extracted something useful for yourself from that!

    What more is there really to do than to know and accept ourselves! I personally know it changes our outer world in beneficial ways too. The key being acceptance of our totality. Whatever that is!!!

    You are a wonderful and clear image of strength in character with your single minded focus, Therese.

    Wishing you all good blessings,

    • Teresa Dietze 21 July 2015 at 2:13 pm #


    • Therese 22 July 2015 at 9:51 am #

      Kelly, I would like to follow your blog or website, if you have one. You are a wonderful writer with a lot of depth. Just in these 2 posts you’ve written with a beautiful blend of simplicity and complexity. One can read and get a little out of it and come back again to find new levels. Please, I hope you have a site where I can get more of your thinking. I’m so happy about all this dialogue, I’m teary eyed!

      With Love,

  5. Sabine 8 July 2017 at 8:18 am #

    Okay, this popped up as I was trying to read a more current post of yours, Teresa; I can take the hint! I know I get “rankled” when people are blindly acting out because I grew up under two more-dysfunctional-than-average parents (one bordering on sociopath at times, as determined by professionals) and I often had to “be the adult,” starting at an early age (yes, I would lecture my father about right and wrong). So my synaptic trails are happy to lead me down the path of over-functioning for others. Now that I’m aware of this tendency, I notice I feel relief around people who are willing to be self aware (or, as you said, Teresa, admit their foibles) because, to me, that seems to indicate they are self-aware/self-responsible — and that latent superpower of mine that senses when people might “go off the rails” can stay in “rest” mode. Having written that, I did just have one lone term friendship (we’d been close as children and then reconnected about seven years ago) fall away due to these very dynamics. This person had deep shame wounds and would try to toss her shame (as people are wont to do) “hot potato-style” to others — her husband, her co-workers. She never tried to do it to me, interestingly, but I found her energy, chronic victim-stance, and absolute refusal to try to heal draining and, untimely, toxic. Yes, I absolutely did try to offer her a different way to see things (I still don’t know exactly how to walk that line — only know that it IS a line, and sometimes I’m on this side, sometimes on that side) because I AM a person who would rather not reinvent the wheel and likes to learn from others (that’s why I’m on this blog site :-), so to treat her, Golden-Rule-Style, would mean that I do offer the “view from the blind spot” ( ouch — again, I’m intrigued when offered such info about myself, but not many people can stomach it — and certainly not a person with deep shame wounds). The friendship recently ceased (deliberately) and I am so relieved! I wish her well and know she’ll wynd her way down her karmic path — but if our “vibe attracts our tribe,” I’m seeing this shift as a good sign.

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