19 January 2013 6 Comments

LGS Post 57: Notes on Congruence

One way to work on yourself is by being present in the body.
Another way is by expanding the heart.

A third way is by quieting the mind.
The wise person finds a way to work on all three at the same time.

(Understanding the Enneagram, 327)

The above quote speaks to developing a state of congruence.

One of my readers sent me the following comment by email, (shared with permission):

“. . . as I was reading today’s article, I had this flash that what I often pick-up on in others is, I think, their ‘lack of congruency.’

Does that sound possible?

It’s as though I get a ‘flash of knowing’ around their wound — that which they wish to keep hidden or ignore. In the past I have allowed this to make me afraid of them (since, as a child, I was hurt by people acting out their issues).

These days I try to tell myself: ‘nobody’s perfect’ and ‘I can take care of myself regardless of their actions.’

I am not yet to the place where I can proffer compassion consistently. The urge to distance myself from them is still strong.

I don’t know if this makes any sense.”

I feel moved by this comment. It strikes close to home.

Over some years, my healers at times suggested that I carefully observe potential partners to notice the extent to which their words and deeds matched. 

I too have been hurt by people, particularly those who did not turn out to be who they presented themselves to be. They were not attempting to deceive me, but were out of touch with themselves and incongruent.

Intuitive people often find incongruent behavior distressing. We keenly sense the discord between mismatched messages.

Isn’t it interesting that we can be so intuitive yet turn away from clear perception about certain people we encounter?

What drives that moment of turning away? We are safer truly seeing others as they actually are than shutting down our awareness out of fear.

Dig in to the fertile soil of such fear. Take care of the parts that feel afraid, and keep your eyes open.
Energy and emotion need to match as well as word and deed.

Noticing the extent to which others are congruent is essential to healthy relating. Internal lack of congruence is expressed in lack of congruence between the various signals we give one another in relationship. We observe what we and others are and are not capable of, and bring our expectations into alignment with what is real. Being aware of people’s wounds allows up to have healthy and realistic expectations instead of projections.

A friend once told me that the primary quality I needed in a mate was “congruence of Being.” I am strong enough now to maintain my sense of myself and of my reality around someone who is not integrated. I gained this strength through the grace of relating to several friends and healers who are truly congruent. These interactions mirrored me to myself without distortion, allowing me to access my interior vulnerability with a newfound feeling of safety.

Before I gained this strength of self I needed to distance others in order to feel safe.

Recognizing this need and gently allowing ourselves to create distance in healthy ways instead of reacting or creating dramas is a good step toward emotional health.

My spiritual teacher is the most congruent person I have ever met. His words, tone of voice, facial expressions, postures, energy, actions, and the emotions that move through him match, utterly and consistently. I trust his authenticity. I usually understand exactly what he means. All signals point the same direction. This is not about being perfect, predictable, or easy to deal with but about being totally real.

Seek out friends, healers and mentors who are authentic and congruent. See how you feel around that influence. When you’re around people who are not congruent, remember what you feel like when you relate to people who really see you. Stabilizing who you know yourself to be in this way will help relax fear of seeing who other people are. This is a compassionate way to take care of yourself.

How do YOU feel around people who are not congruent?

If they throw you off center, exactly what do you need inside in order to feel solid, whole, safe, and able to meet your needs around them?

6 Responses to “LGS Post 57: Notes on Congruence”

  1. Getting to Congruence of Being ~ How Do We Learn to Feel Safe? – Positive Energy Guide

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