Coming to Trust, Part 3: Developing Trust
“Trust one man with your money and another man with your wife.”
(Old Persian saying)
When you think about whether or not to trust, ask yourself, “Trust TO WHAT?” To return a
borrowed book? To keep a confidence? These things are hard for some people and easy for others. To never hurt you, read your mind, and put your needs and interests ahead of their own? This is unrealistic.
Example: I have a friend who is unreliable about time. I trust her to keep me waiting and to inconvenience me. For this reason I do not set myself up by making time-dependent plans with her. We may take separate cars or meet at her place instead of mine. I make back-up plans. She is exceptional, creative and funny. I trust her sense of humor, her heart, and her loyalty.
An important distinction about trust is supported by this Far Side cartoon: Mr. Chicken is on the couch reading the newspaper. His wife has just rushed up to the door, breathless. She has a leash in her hand. The front door has just been slammed behind a large, panting dog. Mrs. Chicken says, “You raise a dog from a pup and what do you get!? A chicken killer!”
This cartoon is practically a parable. Healthy, adult trust takes into account the nature of the other. In wisdom we trust someone to act according to his or her character, history, and context.
Wanting to be liked can set you up for misplaced trust, especially if you have a friendly but vulnerable nature like Mrs. Chicken. Those who abuse trust are keenly attracted to a trusting heart. It’s their food.
If you want someone to hunger for you, go ahead and lay out absolute trust like bait. Don’t be surprised if the person you attract goes all werewolf on you down the line! Here is the antidote to holding out food that attracts people who will hurt you: Get clear about the difference between needy, compulsive hunger and genuine love. This will greatly increase your ability to trust yourself.
Trust takes time and experience. It is rarely possible to develop trust when someone is on
“honeymoon behavior” to win your approval or get you to be with them. A big gap between on-display and everyday behaviors is a red flag. Real tasks that require complex decisions and have actual outcomes are essential for establishing trust. We do not get to know one another deeply by enjoying entertainment together.
Enjoy a gradual and extended courtship while you discover the deeper nature of friends and loved ones. Take notice of potential issues, but focus on what you CAN trust.
My life is graced with several rare gems who I can trust wholeheartedly. These wonderful people make good mirrors. They provide honest and loving feedback and help me to stay true to myself.
In Part 4 we explore HOW to develop trust in relationships and key characteristics of trustworthy people.
Who do YOU trust? How did you develop this trust?
I’m in agreement with everything you said, and I’d like to add to it.
The issue of trust is so deep and interwoven with dependancy. It goes back to our first trusting relationship with our mothers wherein it was necessary to trust for our very existence. If you have trust issues it may behoove you to go back and take a look at your perception of the reliability of that first relationship. If you learned to distrust prior to ego consciousness it may help to imagine being in her shoes in that time and culture. I believe forgiveness is based on understanding and is a huge component of healing trust issues. For instance, my mother was an intellectual and should of had a career teaching. Instead she was strapped with 4 children in 6 years, a wringer washing machine, and advice from Dr. Spock to bottle feed your babies and keep them on a strict schedule –resulting in limited bonding. These babies are now the “Me” generation, grandparents who rebelled in the 60′s, and are notorious for multiple failed relationships/marriages. The conclusion I came to is: EVERYBODY does the best they can based on what they have to work with at the time -internally and externally. And that’s just a tiny piece of the puzzle of Trust.
Yes Claudia. Trust and dependency issues are tightly interwoven. Thank you for your contribution!
This hs been an eyeopening series for me. I am an impulsive kind of person, and I have been told by my Partners that theylove me specificly for my heart. That they are amazed at how deepl I care. They also see it as one of my biggest weaknesses because I tend to care a lot fairly quickly. As i am reading this I realize that I tnd to trya nd give trust fairly blindly. I do watch behaviors and certainly when warning bells ring I can and do hear them but Still I realize that I tend to wander around feeling like most people are cool and worthy of some trust. I think the concept of KINDS of trust is one that I need to TRUST and take to heart.
Oh Leah of the trusting heart: Could be myself writing the same thing some years back. I asked a question about this issue in a class a few years ago. One of my life mentors told me to ‘live with respect for my liver and pancreas as well as my heart.’ The liver has to do with boundaries and the pancreas with the balance of sweetness in our lives, among other things. He was saying that if I hurt myself by listening only to the heart my overall balance was not sufficiently kind to myself.
Let me know what you think.
T
My reply is this:
Dang, everything keeps coming back to boundries.. You would think someone is TRYING to get me to learn a lesson or something..
*Laughing* Yes Liver and spleen, I can try and do that. But to quote a favorite movie of mine: “‘Tis a puzzlement!!” – from The King and I.
Who do I trust? People who I have a history with life experience. After some time spent with individuals and seeing how they act and react after a few months or years. I can usually see who they are and if they go werewolf oh well time for some space in the relationship.
When I get needy then the whole plan fails and I usually cannot see the truth of what is developing so if I go to the needy place I can expect the unexpected to happen. It is not a way for me to develop a trusting relationship.
Thank you,
Greg
Hi Greg,
Love it! Yeah when we’re needy the plan indeed fails!
I find that if they go werewolf, it’s fairly obvious when they do–but if they’re highly skilled in the ol’ vampire patterns they can sometimes sneak off with some blood on the sly. LOL