22 July 2011 2 Comments

Presence & Boundaries Post 4: Self-Possession in Action, an Example

Self-possession is a particular quality of Presence. The state of self-possession naturally expresses boundaries, a sense of dignity, and the ability to feel emotionally safe around others. When we know who we are and where we are, we define ourselves rather than letting other people define us.

Here is a story I shared that was helpful to a client learning to stay present with her feelings in group situations:

Historically I felt unrecognized in groups and found myself being shut down by the leaders when I spoke out. During a ten-day partly-Zen retreat I practiced sitting in my body and sensing while my inner wounds were active, instead of pulling away through action or distraction. The next time I became triggered in a group setting I was able to stay present. This means that I maintained body-awareness and awareness of my surroundings instead of going off in my head or being lost in the emotions that came up.

I made what I thought was a useful comment in the group. The leader abruptly and intentionally cut me off. Since I was Present, I noticed that the first three words of my comment made it seem like I was speaking about a specific person.

In the past I might have found myself spacing out while helpless, frustrated thoughts arose, disconnecting me from the group. Confident that I could stay with and support myself inside if I were to feel hurt, I stuck around. I restated my comment, leaving the out three words that may have caused misinterpretation. Instead of seeing the group like blobs in chairs like we do when lost in thought, I looked around and noticed that eyes in the group were supporting me.

Turning to the leader I said, “I think this comment is appropriate for our context.” My body language made my statement a respectful question. I remained open to her input so she would still be in control of the group. This respect for the group and her leadership gave her room to agree, and she did.

When we cannot stay Present with our experience and we check out, other people sense the energy of our distress. If they are sensitive to energy they may feel this distress as their own, and think it is theirs. The distress in the room can become magnified like a hall of mirrors. In discomfort, they may shut down to us–as we have already shut down to them by checking out.

Trying to compensate for the discomfort of feeling too open to energy creates a paradoxical state in which one is too open in some ways and too closed in others at the same time. Going head-on into the distress, grounding and balancing, and making a statement that addresses your interests or needs brings clarity back into the room.

Uncomfortable situations can transform us once if we can define, communicate, and address our needs. This starts by staying with discomfort and feeling where it goes in your body. By surrendering resistance to the discomfort, we become able to drawn on resources that allow us to break new ground.

What type of situation challenges your boundaries?
What do you need to embrace in yourself to face that situation fully, without pulling away or shutting down?

2 Responses to “Presence & Boundaries Post 4: Self-Possession in Action, an Example”

  1. Uncomfortable Situations Can Transform Us When We Define Ourselves – Positive Energy Guide

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