20 February 2015 10 Comments

Managing Your Energy, Part 38: Personal Context on Suffering & Spiritual Growth

When it comes to learning to manage energy, let alone coming to grips with suffering, there isn’t a quick fix. I find myself drawn to share some personal background before proceeding with other commentary. This will take two posts:

In my twenties and for eleven years, I was intensively involved with a different branch of the mystical school with which I am now linked. A leader’s serious abuse of power caused me to leave that school. Oddly, an independent teacher from a path I had never heard of sent a student to find me. This was before internet and occurred totally through Guidance. This teacher did fairly extreme (and fascinating) work with me for about seven months. When our stint came to completion, I became involved with a different spiritual group for seven years.

That group does a powerful fire ritual during which participants throw something they want to renounce into the fire. They caution that this act can put in motion difficult processes necessary to bringing about renunciation. Determined to learn through joy rather than suffering, I threw “learning through suffering” into that fire. Whether or not I was fully in belief, I thought I’d give it a sincere try. My next seven years were even more difficult than the previous. I asked experienced members of the group how to come to grips with suffering. Few engaged my questions. No one shared anything useful, just platitudes or party lines.

During a spiritual camp I had an episode of agony, through which I encountered rage with God. I have heard it said, and agree, that engaging with God in rage maintains a relationship and is cathartic—which creates more possibility than does withdrawing. I did not find it loving to set up Creation so we learn through suffering. I wanted OUT. For those difficult hours I felt acutely that even suicide was futile because one would simply find oneself back on the Wheel of Life, probably in less salutary conditions. I let these feelings arise but did not dwell on them later.

For three years I led a committed small group. We met in secret to evade attendance by superficial persons who permeated the local chapter of the larger group. A significant trauma dismantled this group.

During this period I became involved with a man who began to use spiritual rhetoric in an attempt to force me to caretake him. When the title of a book called, “God Talk and Domination” jumped out at me in a book store, what he was doing suddenly became clear. I practically developed an allergy to spiritual talk.

At this point I was feeling rather defensive toward God. I avoided spiritual groups for more than a decade. I had withdrawn from P1070852belief. Sometimes I felt that I had lost faith, and yet I could sense it hiding, way down deep and private. This faith was not “IN anything.” It stands like a spinning top that rights itself if pushed over. Paradoxically, this faith—for lack of a better word—was completely hidden beneath a wry unwillingness to fake anything or take anything ‘on faith.’ I came to sense that real faith could not be shattered (it was like water), or lost (it was part of me), or influenced by conditions and circumstances (it did not stand upon them). This was not faith that something or someone would somehow save me, but a kind of internal compass that drew me in a wholesome direction.

I became flexible enough to support people in their spiritual processes, no matter what belief systems they engaged.

When I carefully took stock, I realized that in dismissing belief systems and spiritual practices because I did not fully buy in to groups’ dynamics, politics and rhetoric, I had a deficit of positive energy. Without intentionally bringing in positive energy, I was being exposed to the “stuff” body therapy clients were releasing. These energies were creating unpleasant experiences—whether or not I “believed in” them.

“The distress I am feeling is the engine that drives me forward.” RR

Have you ever been angry with God, or do you reject whatever “God” might be because the enigma of suffering is confounding?

What does “faith” mean to you? Can you locate faith as a resonance or vibration instead of a concept or belief?

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10 Responses to “Managing Your Energy, Part 38: Personal Context on Suffering & Spiritual Growth”

  1. Therese 20 February 2015 at 4:58 pm #

    I have been angry with God. I don’t know that I’ve ever truly rejected God. Once I came to believe there is no one person who is God things began to make more sense to me. I believe, at this point in time, we are all God. This includes the Earth, Universe, plants, animals, and all things both seen and unseen. For me, this is why we are all connected. We are the Creators.

    I guess I have what people call faith. Personally, it’s always been more like a knowing; something I was born knowing and it’s never left me.

    Great posts. I’m enjoying them all so much.

    With Love,

    • Teresa Dietze 27 February 2015 at 10:54 am #

      This occurs to me in reading your response: Since That Which Is remains as a constant, and what changes is the way we relate to It and what we project upon It, we experience God according to our state of consciousness. When we get angry with God/Life/It, we experience ourselves as separate from It/Him/Life. When we feel connected, we may experience God in Universal form, such as you described, or God in personal form, as Deity. That can morph with perspective and state of consciousness.

      I like what you said about faith. It’s a simple thing, indwelling. It is different than something we may have learned.



  2. Kelly 28 February 2015 at 8:07 pm #

    I think many people may have an unrecognized anger or stand off with God. Someone I sought out for healing work brought this up for me to consider and I realized that I did, I was angry. But it was also true at that time that I needed some things to go better in my life so I did what anyone would do…I drove to a hotel to duke it out over several nights with God, whatever that was. On the first night I was blunt and honest about my anger, about my ignorance of God and how to do this (I walked the tiny hotel room path afforded me most of the evening). But I was clear that things were not working for me and I needed to make amends and start anew and extended this to the ceiling behind which God must be, up there, that is. That night I felt a tap on the top of my head and on my sacrum-like a human had touched me. I was alone. Several months later kundalini awoke and the ground beneath my feet was pulled out from under me. Although I woke up and slumbered again and awoke still more, I am still trying to ‘right’ myself. Faith for me is more about memory of reality at this point with temporary flashes of reality revealing My Self, My God Inside of me and all around-one field of form and awareness arising as one.

    Then the backache and the work continues….


    • Teresa Dietze 2 March 2015 at 11:57 am #

      Hi Kelly,

      Wow! Sincerity and appeal are SO powerful! What an amazing experience. Thanks for sharing it.

      This is a brilliant description: “flashes of reality revealing My Self, My God Inside of me and all around-one field of form and awareness arising as one.”

      Is the backache literal, figurative, or both? I wish you were local ‘cuz I’m drawn to putting my hands on that. . .



  3. Kelly 28 February 2015 at 8:43 pm #

    There two things you mention that have been in my awareness recently. The first is about positive energy and taking in dark energy.

    I recently found myself on my knees in yet another hotel (we have a tiny studio and with God, sometimes I need more space, alone). I knew that love and bliss where in that room with me just as much as the sadness and pain were. I prayed to be shown the way to find love on my inner dial, how could I get a little bit of that well being back into my life? Well, the phone didn’t wring but the sun was out on a Sunday so I walked. On the walk I kept asking to be shown once again how to access what was right there. Well, A thought came to mind about how we get what we give and we’ll find what we think or feel inwardly. Here I was looking to get love from a state of lack and got more lack and sadness. I knew, but feel I had higher help, when I started to extend my kindness to each person who made eye contact with met on my walk that this was the way to access that dimension on the inner dial. Love was moving through me and as it did I too benefitted. I have had this experience with teaching and giving talks. I am both giving and receiving at once, often learning as I go even when it looks like I’m already in the know! I sincerely believe that there is something to this that everyone can test for them self.

    Second. I have come to wonder if more than one channel can operate at once? If you are giving love can you take in gunk at the same time? I just pose this to experiment with.

    Lastly, I was never big on people telling me to cleanse my field-that didn’t feel right to me in terms of an ongoing solution to picking up everything I came Into contact with. I tried but with no real results. Same with grounding. I have studied and worked with a homeopath and found a remedy suited to me that after a year has brought surprising results for me. I can listen to my parents exchange cruelties and I no longer take it in. I have intellectually known they have there own path and that I cannot transmute their problems through my body. They have to do their own work as do others (I suffered from ignorant compassion :)). But even knowing this did nothing to keep the sludge from entering until the homeopathy. I feel like the remedy is rewiring me and in time my physical being will handle free floating material in a consistently new way without eliminating my ability to see the energetics. I used to see the energy come to me, know it was not mine to take responsibility for but be unable to keep it out. Now it is improving. On this note, I had a download a few years back that my template upon which I was built had to be rebuilt. I feel that the remedy is doing just this.

    I hope what I am sharing is useful to others and I’m grateful for the space to share.


    • Teresa Dietze 2 March 2015 at 12:16 pm #

      Dear Kelly,

      Indeed, what you are saying one can test for one’s self is (to the best of my awareness) universal. You have stated it very clearly and with the lucid passion of direct personal experience. What you are saying could certainly be useful to those who are ready to take it in.

      I love this part: “asking to be shown once again how to access what was right there.” And I too have “suffered from ignorant compassion.” That’s a great term.

      Not sure if you read my posts on grounding. Similarly, I agree that when people say “just clear your field,” like “just ground yourself,” they rarely have a sense of the profound and comprehensive CONTEXT you are operating from within.

      Yes we do try to transmute people’s problems through our bodies, and get symptoms that way.

      Correct homeopathy can be immediately helpful with boundaries. Sometimes electrolytes or minerals will strengthen the electromagnetic body and help to some extent with resilience. Of course we need to approach all the different elements that contribute to the hypersensitivity, at the same time integrating and coming to grips with the parts that are features rather than symptoms. The terrain changes as we develop, and we find ourselves re-sorting the mix.

      I find that as I do more intensive meditation practices, my fields become more highly sensitized. Then again, as I gain clarity about who I am, skill at “filtering” what comes in so it serves me, and bring in positive energy, my sensitivity sits more lightly with me. The day before yesterday I felt almost overwhelmed by the anxiety I sensed in passing about a third of the people I saw on a walk. Yesterday I was at a farmer’s market and I noticed that I had already assimilated differently. I felt a bit lightheaded for a few minutes, then I felt everyone as if they were all swimming in a field of light. I experienced a pleasant and easy sense of unity without feeling jarred by ambient negative energies or emotional impressions.

      Thank you again for your vivid and articulate contributions.


  4. Kelly 2 March 2015 at 9:52 pm #

    This is great! All of the above…

    Speaking to addressing all levels and causes of sensitivity, I used to practice qigong and tai chi until I bled through my tongue. I didn’t have the correct band aid and after several more experiences I knew I had to stop. You can’t stop a bleeding tongue like other areas of the body! Mediating can bring energetic trouble as you pass through stages as well. This is so important for people to respect and understand that nothing is always good for everyone all of the time! Or bad either. I went through my second summer of awakening experiences eating Russian tea cakes and iced tea of all things! I knew for myself that I had to honor what my body was asking for and rejecting and had enough self knowledge to do this.

    Now I feel like I’m swapping war stories and will let it be. 😉

    I can now meditate again.

    • Teresa Dietze 2 March 2015 at 9:55 pm #

      I’m not a big fan of one-size-fits-all advice!



  5. Kelly 7 March 2015 at 5:37 pm #

    That makes for a great challenge as a writer in that the words to paper reside separate from other thoughts and can be taken as the ultimate. This is a challenge for me personally in that others sometimes want to hold you to something said in another place in time. Tricky this life, it is!

    • Teresa Dietze 10 March 2015 at 1:24 pm #

      Indeed. A lot of games are fueled by confusing the word use that is like law or contract with the word use that is like exploration or poetry, and visa versa.

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