Positive Energy Guide

“Those who try to make virtues out of their faults grope further and further into darkness.” ~ Inayat Khan

I recently overdosed on platitudes about respecting people. I would like to explore a counterbalancing perspective—stating the things we just don’t say.

What does it really MEAN to “respect” someone?

In my last post I described one of the things that respect means to me, among friends. It has to do with honoring one another’s ability to hear and receive insight, through open interaction.

The rest of the world isn’t necessarily thinking the same thing when they talk about respecting people. Respect is one of those words, like love or god, that carry a lot of freight and mean different things to different people.

I have a sneaking suspicion that often enough, that when someone talks about treating someone with respect, underneath this honorable and sincere intention there is often a shadow. This shadow will be reflect an internal struggle, or in the ambivalence that made them think that more respect might be required. If respect was already present, what called forth a need for respect? Can we own what is going on inside?

In support of wholeness and integrated growth, let’s get past being too politically correct or spiritually correct to look at how we really operate and feel inside. Coming to grips with that makes our values authentic.

Most of us are fairly versed already in all the nice parts of what we mean by respect. Let’s explore more of the shadow side:

What if treating someone as they want to be treated amounts to being asking to respect something for which we do not have inherent respect?

Abusers, for example, often demand “respect.” What they often mean is to allow them to control you, or to overlook their behavior. They also mean not to hold up any mirrors. It may also be necessary to pretend one is not in distress.

This reminds me of a brief passage I read decades ago in an Ursula LeGuin book: “The giant Groff was hit in one eye with a stone. That eye turned within. He died from what he saw.”

I love that quote! It speaks eloquently to the Achilles heel of the part of us—which is so often HUGE—that can be aggressive and problematic. The only thing that can bring it down is self-awareness. And how mightily one may resist.

Lots of people take respect to mean, “Don’t disturb me with a view that would expand my understanding.” They will not, of course, TELL you, or even tell themselves that this is what they mean—not in so many words—but it bears out in conversation.

Obviously, there is a difference between respecting someone as a person, and respecting their behavior. We generally do not respect all of our OWN behavior. When we respect someone but do not find their behavior respectable, they may take objection to feedback to this effect. This opens a can of worms. I’m not planning to dive into that can wholesale, but I have a few further comments, which I will make in subsequent posts.

For someone in the business of furthering Awakening, it can be a dance to respect (to have sensitivity to) the defense structures of an individual, while intentionally expanding his or her perspective. Professional boundaries simplify interaction. Day-to-day interactions with persons who are not actively pursuing spiritual growth are more complicated. More complicated still are interactions with persons who believe they are pursuing growth while simultaneously resisting it.

What makes YOU feel respected?

What do YOU do when you respect someone but cannot respect some of their behavior?

“There is no action in this world that can be stamped as sin or virtue; it is its relation to the particular soul that makes it so.” ~ Inayat Khan

Let’s talk about respecting other people. We can get caught up in assumptions about what it means to respect someone. At the risk of being a bit controversial, I want to broaden the context of respect. We can get too ‘spiritually correct’ and become rigid and rule bound instead of using our personalities as vehicles for development of the soul.

Respecting others does not necessarily require silence, feigned agreement, or withdrawal. Personally, I do not feel respected by these behaviors. I feel respected when someone cares enough to engage with me, and even to challenge my views, especially when they do so to discover me, to explore

together, to advance mutual understanding, to bring forth more comprehensive values, or to resolve discomfort. Such engagement, whether or not we agree, is often an expression of love.

I am thinking of my best friends. We respect and trust one another enough to engage in healthy dialectic. This means that if we do not agree on something, we each hold and expose our views, exploring back and forth, influencing one another’s views in the process. I have gained depth and perspective by engaging like this with people I respect.

Someone who does not have the strength and confidence to hold a differing point of view, or who uses apparent (not genuine) agreement in an attempt to be liked, or who retreats from those with whom they disagree misses out on this richness and development.

Disagreeing with people can be an expression of real respect. In respectful disagreement we let another person know that we consider them strong and flexible enough to take in a different point of view. We are actively or tacitly inviting their views. We are opening ourselves to dialectic.

Americans tend to be conflict avoidant. This is not true of most native New Yorkers–many of whom enjoy playfully criticizing people who are indirect. When I have visited, I have taken comfort in knowing just where people stand, and received active appreciation for the same.

In rural India, I have witnessed people standing a spread-hand-width apart, engaging in loud, animated voices. They’d exchange a few sentences, reach a conclusion, waggle their heads and say the equivalent of ‘okay’ in a quieter tone, then turn and be on their way. I witnessed trust, respect, and a lack of self consciousness that gave them the freedom to quickly resolve their concerns.

In my late twenties I spent a few weeks in Europe at a large camp with people from several countries. They actually criticized me–and Americans in general–for not bringing forth clearly defined views and opinions in conversation. They found conversing with Americans boring. They were accustomed to EXPLORING their points of disagreement. Whether or not they appreciated and enjoyed their differences, honest expression contributed to understanding, being on solid ground, and to enjoying a more distinct sense of identity.

Even controversy, when handled with respect, allows us to explore the edges, peaks and valleys of a topic, clarify who we are, and to learn to exercise our values and ethics.

Conflict is necessary to develop a sense of self. Conflict need not spring from anger. It can spring from passion about important values.

If anger arises, and we are open to learning, we discover what is important to us and what we need. The key is to keep the heart open, especially when angry.

Anger is a powerful force, which can be used destructively, or to create boundaries, clarity, decisive action, and even to inspire greater values. Conflict can be used in the same ways.

Those of us who become overly passionate in behalf of other people do need to learn to refine our expressions and allow people to make their own choices. Feedback helps us learn this. Meanwhile, those whose toes we may step on have a chance to learn to put forth their boundaries and to speak up.

I suspect that some conflicts are part of what could be called the Divine Plan. We can use them to stimulate insight and to master our rough edges. We may be challenged to accept ourselves if we overstep, but accepting some conflict is healthier than hiding in the corner for fear of causing offense.

What do YOU mean by respect?

When is engaging in conflict more loving then stepping away?

When is remaining silent a missed opportunity for love?

“The word that is not heard is lost. ” ~Inayat Khan

Following from Post #53: At the retreat I sought to resolve my concerns with one of the two group leaders. In the capacity of our friendship, I sought to contribute to his self awareness. Like a reflex, he reflected everything I said back onto me—without exploring my concerns or looking within. This exemplified my main point. Our encounter was loving, yet I stepped away frustrated and sad.

I contemplated how much importance to give to feeling heard, being understood, or having my contributions received. Wisdom tells me that the more we develop the more we must release attachment to such luxuries.

A quote from the spiritual leader Meher Baba springs to mind: “Understanding has no meaning. Love has meaning. Obedience has more meaning.”

Meaning comes from feeling and from the heart, while understanding involves the mind. “Obedience,” in my current interpretation, has to do with being true to our inner guidance.

When we act with intention and discernment, and surrender to the highest option, meaning takes shape through action. 

It’s not black & white.

Toward the end of the spiritual retreat I attempted to contribute to someone else who was not open to it. My very brief comment yielded an unpleasant intensity of reaction. In remorse, I questioned my tendency to contribute.

I did begin to bring in self love—and continue to consider my views and values regarding contribution to others.

Yes, it is important to learn to allow others to be wherever they are in their journey. We are best off when we accept life the way it is. I do not, however, believe that noticing that someone has something to learn or contributing to their process of learning must involve judging them.

Contribution, should we chose–or feel compelled–to involve ourselves, works better when we are not judging. We are responsible for our motivations, and the energies they bring forth.

Our paths interweave with those of others. The world goes round owing to involvement. When we try to change others from misguided motivation or with excessive investment, we suffer for it–and we learn through our entanglement. So do others.

I believe there is more to learn here than to mind our own business–although for those of us who respond without feeling things out first, that might be a good start. 🙂

If we withdraw and do not involve ourselves, we lose the opportunity for certain types of personal growth. Those of us who over-involve need to pull back. Those of us who pull back may need to learn to bring our voices forward. What is called for differs with each situation.

Learning usually requires making mistakes. We definitely need to bring through love for ourselves throughout our learning experiences as we gradually develop the discernment to engage gracefully in a wide variety of situations.

Self mastery requires learning HOW and WHEN and to WHOM we contribute. This task is a lot more challenging than throwing ourselves into contribution by reflex, whether or not it is welcome or not it drains us, or maintaining a policy of allowing others to carry on without engaging them.

From one perspective we cannot say which path is best for another—yet our insight or feedback may well assist others in making viable choices.

Offering insight need not be arrogant. Doing it by reflex, however, is unconscious behavior, which often comes across as arrogant.

Consciously or unconsciously, we are each and all agents of one another’s awakening. We cannot avoid that. We CAN seek to be discerning, loving, and intentional.

What is the difference between passive acceptance and active acceptance?

When is passive acceptance weak?

When is the appearance of acceptance actually an expression of passive aggression?

Wow! There is a lot in here. First, I want to say, while I’ve developed some thoughts around this subject, I still find it difficult to forgive some people’s actions towards me. I’m working on it! This post did make me think about what it is that I find difficult to forgive. I will address that first.

I find it difficult to forgive people who treat me badly if I don’t think and act the way they deem appropriate. I find it difficult to forgive people who act as if I have no rights. It doesn’t matter to me that I understand where their actions may originate. I find it difficult to forgive people who take no responsibility for their lives and blame others for everything that happens to them. Okay, that’s what I’m battling right now.

The explanation I use to help myself accept others where they are without judging has lots of avenues built in. I think people are mostly afraid. Everyone wants to feel loved and most of us are taught love comes from outside ourselves. Feeling lonely is the result of looking outside ourselves for love and attention. Because many look outside themselves, doing anything that is not the status quo is scary. If a person wants something different than the people from whom they get their love, they risk losing the love of those people. No one understands conditional love is not love. We often only know what we have experienced. Most of us have only experienced conditional love.

For those who are willing to search for more, they must be willing to lose everything they know to seek something they’ve never experienced. Usually, that willingness to seek and lose everything comes from a pain so intense that to stay in the pain will cause a death of our soul. We are unwilling to die so we seek. For those willing to give up everything, it can be difficult to understand why others are willing to die to stay in their comfort zone. For me, accepting and being understanding of those who stay in their comfort zone is my goal. I still believe everyone has the ability to change. I haven’t found the magic words to get people to implement the change which is why I’ve decided I must shine so brightly people want to change to have what I have.

As I’ve begun to shine more, I’ve noticed people are polarized by me. Some want the change for themselves so they sit in their discomfort to spend time around me. Some people run away from me and pretend I no longer exist. Some avoid me because they don’t know what to do with me. Some observe me and incorporate changes they see into themselves. So many ways to react to me. The one overriding thing I’ve noticed is, even people who treat me as if they hate me, are still drawn to me. They hate themselves for that and will scream at me but they will still make a point of coming around me. I’ve decided the hate is a test to see if I really can love them enough to accept them even though they hate. The fact is, I believe they hate because they hurt and I know love is the only solution. So I do my best to love.

This is a topic I hope leads to a lot of discussion. I’m always interested in other ways to view how people behave. I need the input of others views to help me get out of my habitual thought patterns. Thank you for writing about this topic, Teresa!

With Love,
Therese

This comment, along with my responses and several terrific responses from Kelly, are in “Comments” under the last post. If you appreciate emotionally honest communication, please check out that discussion. It’s a deep and lively ride! 

“Shatter your ideals on the rock of Truth.”  ~Inayat Khan

The urge toward self realization, actualization, self awareness, and awakening is a major driver in the Universe. It supports so much of what I hold dear because it gives meaning to human endeavor.

While not the most evolved stance, when someone who is important to me eschews what I most value and hold as right and good, it rankles me. I’m sure I’m not alone in that.

I’ve been thinking about just what it is that I find disturbing about unconsciousness. When someone SEES and ADMITS their foibles, this often makes them acceptable to me. This intrigues me. Is it because I can accept it when they do?

When we do not accept ourselves, it is harder for others to do so.

One of the key drivers of the Universe is the urge to become Self aware. It strikes me that when we RESIST awareness, we are moving away from this primary spiritual impetus. It just seems ‘off’ to me. It heckles my truth-sensors and aggravates my values and sense of honor.

So does standing in judgment of those who are less evolved. I am seeking to come to peace with the fact that much of humanity lives in the darkness of our own ignorance and denial. This peace is not coming easily.

I’m finding it useful to explore what it is about unconsciousness of self that I find offensive. Let me avoid listing attitudes that support atrocities, and stick to the mundane expressions of ignorance—although they are cut from the same cloth. Denial and overlooking one’s abuse of power may play our trivially in daily life. This ignorance is still of the same nature as that which some act out in damaging ways on the slate of an entire country.

We separate ourselves from others when we wall ourselves off to defend ourselves from insight. Then we can act in ways that cause harm without realizing our essential unity with others. The unity exists, yet we ignore it. That is ignor-ance.

I’ve been asking myself, “How do we love and bond with those who are not particularly developed?”

Paradoxically, we need to be able to NOT bond with them; to stand clear and solid in our own knowing of Self. As we are able to keep from being confused, or selling out parts of ourselves to go into unhealthy bonding, we have real choice. Now we become able to bond AND to un-bond and stand on our own. From this stance of inner freedom we can enjoy various points of commonality with others without becoming confused with them.

My spiritual tradition regularly sends the benefits of deep spiritual work to all of those in need, with the aim to aid, bless and awaken. This kind of Work allows us to experience Love and spiritual unity with others, regardless of their level of development. I greatly appreciate having role models who demonstrate what this Love feels like, so that I can participate while I am learning to generate and sustain it on my own.

Learning to love those we cannot love is one of the most personally and spiritually expansive endeavors we can undertake. It can confer meaning on difficult situations, allowing us to use them to our spiritual advantage.

When we bond with the One-in-All, inside, we find that others are no longer separate from us, whether or not they are Awake.

What traits do YOU find hard to love?

Do you have a need (like connection), a value (like Truth), or an ideal (like self awareness) that underlies this?

How can you reformat your ideals to expand your ability to Love?

“The hardest thing on the spiritual path is to become fully human.” ~Meyer Baba

I am in deep contemplation before joining at an event with a spiritual teacher, seeking to be open to him after a set of group experiences during which he resisted self awareness. He is a Friend I have always loved.

I am asking myself what it is about resisting awareness that disturbs me. I am asking myself whether I am judging.

I am discovering that I am not judging, but I am disappointed. I will explore this here because it is a valuable inquiry.

I am not one who requires that a teacher or leader be perfect in my eyes. If I have ever prided myself on something it was this: A mentor I once told me I was the only person he had mentored who transitioned to a friendship instead of finding some pretext to make him wrong or reject him, once they were powerful enough to no longer need him. I did not have to push him away to realize and sustain my growth.

A teacher’s mark of high success is to have students grow beyond them.

I am willing to see humanity and foibles of my current Teacher without allowing them to interfere with my enormous respect. This gives me the security that I am not likely to feel let down or foolish down the line.

Several people I have mentored have ‘discovered’ my own humanity, and taken objection. This is ironic since I have always been forthcoming about my flaws and challenges. When they retreated, their projections continued, flipping from positive to negative as they sought to come to grips with the issues were driving these views. I find it sad when someone feels they must withdraw to stand as a equal. I always aim to demonstrate gratitude to my mentors by standing BESIDE, as I become able.

What marks the difference in being able to accept the humanity of a teacher, friend, or fellow human, and becoming disappointed in them for their shortcomings?

Also, how do we hold OURSELVES with a respect that is not subject to erosion by our own shortcomings?

Contemplating my ability to accept my own and other’s humanity, I have to start with my spiritual Teacher and my healer. They provide the clearest mirrors. I respect them easily beyond any issues they may have. They are well aware of their shortcomings and are committed to Truth.

I also consider my work with clients. I can hold space for their growth with love, and support them without feeling superior or judging them for the issues they are so brave to confront.

When I plumb my experience and ask myself why I have difficulty with the shortcomings of some while accepting those of others, I realize that what matters to me is that the person is actively pursuing and working on becoming self aware.

Now I see that my distress regarding the Friend I will see shortly stems from the fact that he repeatedly resisted what he was being shown about himself in and following the incident that occurred.

Why did this leave me feeling so distant?

I felt shut out.

Truth is the meeting hall for Essence, where We meet when we are in touch with and moving from Essence, together. This is the sacred ground where we really connect. It has nothing to do with theory, belief, opinion, speculation, or the mind. It is the actuality of Connection we experience together when we meet heart to heart without concepts, in the simple authenticity of feeling.

When we defend and deny, we close the doors to the meeting hall. Reactive emotion without the presence of neutral self observation blocks insight exploration, and connection. It keeps us in personality, unable to access Essence.

Willingness to do one’s Work is often the fulcrum upon which relationships hinge.

I am looking for space in my heart to connect from Essence with my Friend and others, without allowing any incident to block stepping into shared Truth in another moment. I have confidence in my ability to do that, and I hope he lets me in as I remain open to him in his humanity.

How do YOU feel about connecting with people when they are not open to seeing what they are doing?

What conditions do you hold for engaging fully with others?

Is there something you can supply for yourself that can allow you to release your conditions and still remain emotionally healthy?

What does it mean to realize Self?

The more developed we become the fewer people are able to fully take in who we are, or recognize where we are coming from. Since we are social animals, we instinctually tend to bond by becoming like those around us, to fit in. This urge toward social adjustment is most intense during youth. It is limiting. Teens, for example, may conform rigidly in their group’s particular brand of nonconformity.

Individuation is a step toward Self Realization. Individuation—becoming a fully developed individual—challenges us to step into our uniqueness. As we do so, we may well find that our values, preferences, and ways of spending time are out of step with the herd. Our insights may be intolerable to those who live more superficially.

In this context of personal development, self realization can mean:

–Becoming who we genuinely are
–Making ourselves real
–Bringing forth our essence and expressing it in the outer world
–Realizing—as in having insight into—who we are

It can be strange to be around people—perhaps even stewing in the energy they are putting out—and realize that they do not and cannot recognize where we are coming from, how we feel, and what is important to us.

After the difficult process of separating the fibers we have entangled in group, family, or couple identity to weigh in as our authentic and unique selves comes figuring out how to relate all over again. How do you realize who you are without viable reflections from the people around you?

One way is to develop friends, healers, and/or spiritual associates who are at or beyond your own level of development. Relating being-to-being, in a two-way flow is a blessing. We all need accurate mirrors. Love, clarity, support, and co-creation bless such encounters. They enhance insight, clarity, fortitude, purpose, and confidence.

Until we stabilize authentic self knowledge, the way we experience ourselves may be markedly different among the projections and misconstructions of those who are unable to mirror us, who may in fact oppose or obstruct us. Those of us who are empathically open are often challenged to maintain our realization of who we are, feeding clarity, understanding, and love back into our Selves around confusing input. This process is an opposite of seeking to bond with a group that requires conformity. It may take some practice to learn to bond with groups open enough to encourage authentic participation.

The urge toward self realization, actualization, self awareness, awakening, and so forth is a major driver in the Universe. It provides the impetus to grow, supplies meaning, and gives us myriad processes that develop character, substance, positive values and mastery in the personality. Holding this aim, no matter what we call it, offers us the chance to take whatever experience we have and to dignify it by applying it toward something of ultimate value.

How do we become real to ourselves?

How do we become self aware?

What stands in the way of becoming self aware?

Preparation for the Ultimate Retirement (Death) is not about some external standard or ‘being good.’ It is about establishing a personal relationship with our values and ideals, from moment to moment. It is also about surrendering our concepts and opinions about life in favor of accepting Life as it is. The first step may be to shatter limiting preconceived ideas gleaned from our culture, parents, or associates.

Learning to let go (without giving up) prepares us for living fully in the moment, and for sliding smoothly from this life to our next adventure.

As we begin to age—if we get the chance—we find it more difficult to learn new things. What we have learned in the past has established solid neurological pathways. This later becomes easier to recall and to rely on than our more recent acquisitions of learning and behavior. The longer we wait to develop positive habits and inner qualities the more difficult they become to fully establish and maintain.

We often get caught up in life, thinking that we’ll have more time available for spiritual endeavors after retirement. Taking time to meditate, for example, may occupy the same inner suitcase with having time to travel, and relaxing.

Most of us experience awkward feelings when we consider how to manage money for retirement. In order to plan, we live knowing that we will die, not knowing when, yet having to manage our resources to support our aims. We don’t know who we will BE then, or what will still motivate us. It’s a conundrum. Avoiding the questions may leave us helpless and destitute, or utterly dependent.

Culturally, we look forward to retirement to enjoy a reduction of compulsory activity and commitment. When the actual day comes, we may find ourselves challenged to orient ourselves and create structure in this new timescape. We tend to focus of how we use time, but this disorientation is more extensive. We are moving toward the End Game. Our choices become less important in some ways—and paradoxically much more important in others.

I would like to suggest that creating MEANING is more important than creating structure. Beginning now is like saving for retirement.

Building the inner capacities we most value NOW may well be what makes a happy retirement possible. We can, for example, learn to inspire others by radiating love and peace, declining with grace.

Each time we practice inner cultivation it accumulates with us and adds value throughout the course of our lives. Spiritual practice becomes like money in the bank for your Ultimate Retirement.

Is there anything you have been putting off ‘until retirement’ that you can begin sooner?

Is there any way you would like to BE or that you keep hoping to become in the future? How can you cultivate the states and energies that develop it now?

How do YOU make your life meaningful?

“In order to become myself I must cease to be what I always thought I wanted to be, and in order to find myself I must go out of myself, and in order to live I have to die.”  ~ Thomas Merton

Questioning the purpose and value of our lives need not be morbid. It arises from a longing for something more, something important. Beyond distraction, looking to relationships for belonging, or seeking to diagnose these feelings, they can be seen as a call of the soul for meaning.

Let me make a quick aside and say that belonging is meaningful, but does not substitute for being able to create an internal and a more universal sense of meaning. I am saying that if our only source of meaning depends on belonging with specific persons and groups, this may be insufficient. We can lose people and groups can disband. In addition to belonging with people or groups, we need to develop a sense of belonging in, of, and as our Selves, as citizens of and participants with the Universe.

As we mature emotionally, we learn that life purpose is not all about what we do in the outer world. We learn that meaning supplied by external situations and relationships is transitory, and can be eroded by life’s inevitable losses. This realization can hit hard around retirement. I have also seen it arise in the young and brave, the profound, and in those struggling with illness.

When we are truly able to know that we will die, how we spend our time and what it means to us become vital.

While we may well have meaningful projects and purposes in the world, daily life is our foundation—and may eventually become all that we can sustain.

When we do not create and imbue our days with a sense of meaning, we feel hollow and unsatisfied. Daily life can become like going through the motions, or even drudgery. We seek something to make it worthwhile.

Enacted with Presence and Love, taking care of day to day needs is inherently meaningful. Our experience is a matter of what we bring to it.

Remembering that we will die supports living fully.

Suppose we consider death our Ultimate Retirement. There is much we can do to prepare, and this particular type of Inner Work has inherent meaning and value. Living well in preparation to death has similarities to planning for retirement. Unlike planning for retirement, planning for Ultimate Retirement does not involve putting things off or holding things back for later. It consists of doing things now that will appreciate over time in addition to making daily life more meaningful.

Earning for retirement supports hope for a golden period. Whether or not that period is indeed golden will depend in part on these preparations. It also depends on being able to support a sense of meaning without the organizing principles and structures of work life, and in the face of unavoidable losses that accumulate through the course of life.

What makes retirement happy and helps us to decline with dignity and grace?

Part of preparation for retirement or death depend on coming to grips with losses; taking joy in having had experiences in our lives, even if they are no longer be available. Part of it is also gratefulness for what we are able to experience in the moment. We can learn to appreciate the past, but still release it—without being bitter or destroyed by the difficult experiences or angry about losing the pleasant ones. Without denial or being insincere, this means practicing surrender to the realities of life. It is never too soon to do this Inner Work.

Short of a near-death experience we rarely become suddenly able to accept life and death gracefully. It takes practice and intention. It is meaningful Work. This Work begins as soon as we are able to do so.

Think about those you have seen who are preparing for death. Many become bitter, regretful, contracted, and fearful. Some bring forth a precious courage and generosity of spirit that inspire the living.How and when do we become like that? 

Do you have any role models for aging or dying positively?

How do/did your models inspire you?

How do YOU create a sense of meaning during daily activities?

People who are highly empathic, who feel the energy and emotions of others, often experience a backlash of ambivalence toward the people we experience the most directly. Since empathy calls forth compassion, we also tend to feel bad about it when we do. Empaths, for example may feel bad about wanting a break from their children.

Making our own needs important around other people can be difficult. When we are worn out, even the process of having to decide whether to address the needs of another person or our own can feel like one more unavoidable thing to do. These factors can cause a backlash of ambivalence—which means having conflicting feelings and reactions; feeling pulled in two or more different directions at once. We may love someone, and at the same time feel a need to get away from them, or feel beset by bouts of indifference. Temporary indifference, about which we might also feel conflicted, can function as a buffer for caring too much.

We may have learned early on to take care of the people around us, out of compassion or in self-defense. Feeling unable to ease off one’s own discomfort without the additional burden of feeling called upon to take care of someone else can lead to wanting to get away from them, hence ambivalence. We need ample time alone to feel OURSELVES, without other input, so we can sort ourselves out from the noise.

Ambivalence can be like a secret and perhaps guilty inner place we go to when we feel overwhelmed by impressions and energy from other people. When the onslaught of impressions and the discomfort of experiencing other people’s pain, confusion, anger, grief, lust, and so forth becomes overwhelming, an empath may feel ambivalent about being in contact with people. Without ample recovery or alone time, we can become burned out, and feel like avoiding even the people we care about the most. When ambivalence is present, we may feel ESPECIALLY like avoiding those we care about the most. They are the ones most likely to make claims upon our time, energy, and attention, who pluck the strings of our hearts and get under our skin.

Any type of stress can magnify and exacerbate the intensity of noticing other people’s feelings and energy. The additional stimuli becomes overwhelming. This accumulation of too much stimuli may also be one of the reasons why we tend to react to non-ideal foods, chemicals, and so forth. Even a small amount of additional stress can at times intensify sensitivity and provoke overwhelm.

When we are balanced, empathic sensitivity is a great asset. During moments of stress and imbalance, the same sensitivity can become almost unbearable. Being stressed and being around people who are not processing their negative emotions, so that their energy is hanging around in the room, can make an empath highly uncomfortable.

Ambivalence as a response to the multiple frustrations of having to sort through other people’s energy and impressions must be carefully distinguished from the common pattern of trying to manipulate how others feel about oneself. The more one is invested in being “nice,” and trying to “make others like” them or approve of their performance, the more likely they are to experience a backlash of resentment from doing so.

When attempts to control how other people feel are unsuccessful, these attempts to control them can escalate. Then comes resentment, or even feeling that others are the ones trying to exert control. When one disowns an underlying motivation to control the feelings and responses of others, it often appears as if the other person is seeking control. This can be a very convincing illusion. Honesty about feelings, needs, and motivations offers real freedom.

It is of course possible to be an empath, with the ambivalence I mentioned above, to also have a pattern of seeking to control other people’s responses. Discernment is enhanced by paying close attention to motivation. The empath experiences discomfort from overwhelming amounts of input. In contrast, if we seek to control how we are viewed, we are likely to become confused about what we want and where our sense of pressure originates.

Does your sensitivity to others ever bring up ambivalence?

If so, are you able to be kind to yourself when it’s going on, or do you judge yourself for not being even kinder to others at your own expense?